I take comfort that I’m going to be something I don’t even know yet. Yes, you read that right. I take comfort in the unknown of what I’m going to be. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a lot more, but all of the good in my life is so much greater than I could have imagined for myself. At one point I would have said I was not worthy of it. Now, thanks to a lot of therapy and other such work, I can say I didn’t believe in myself to say I was worthy or deserved the good I’ve had in my life. If I would have known the things that would happen leading up to the day I’m writing this, I wouldn’t have done them. Or rather, I would have done them, but not learned what I needed.
“Don’t count yourself out this early Daisy. You’re all sorts of things you don’t even know yet.”
I think we all have a version of “if you would have told me… (example) I would have never believed you.” Whether that’s part of the natural cadence of life or a protection from not showing up for one’s self, I am not audacious enough to say I have the answer. I sometimes think about how things can be equally as bad (let’s be honest, we all tend to focus on that bad that could happen) as they are good. The good gets the shaft. Even in my optimism I am cautious about thinking about the “good” in life and what good can come.
In the book Daisy Jones & The Six, Daisy, the main character, is, at best, a mess. She’s self-destructive and seemingly incapable of making a single good decision for herself. The thesis of her relationship with men is best summarized by her own admission. “I fell in love with the wrong guy who was exactly the right guy.” At the cusp of her worst, the quote at the top of this post she credited with saving her life. That phrase was the start of her walking away from the life she thought she wanted. Daisy went in search of what she had yet to become and discover about herself.
Anyway.
I think it’s so beautiful that you are all sorts of things you don’t know yet. The idea that getting to learn who we are never ends is daunting in and of itself, but the idea that you will learn who you are and then that person will change and you’ll get to know those news things of yourself in that state. In a way, you almost (close your eyes and pretend with me) do get a chance to do a sort of “in my next life.” Maybe not a completely fresh start, but I think that as you get to know those all sorts of things, you do have a new start.
I never imagined the version of me I am. And I love that.
I do feel like every “new” version of me gets truer to who I really am. Independent of anything or anyone else. (Codependency need not show up.)
To the next version of me I meet, hi, nice to meet you. I worked hard to find you.
