What Does Showing Up For Yourself Look Like?

What does showing up for yourself look like? That’s what’s been on my mind since December as I reflected on what I want this year to look like. I started a new decade and I got smacked in the face with realizing I needed to determine what my 30s are going to be. This question wouldn’t leave me alone, despite trying to ignore it in multiple therapy sessions. “Do you know how to clap for yourself? How are you going to ask someone how to show up for you if you don’t know how to?” In that moment, along with some breakthrough moments in therapy, showing up for yourself (myself)is the theme for 2021(and beyond).

I went on Instagram and basically brought you all into church with my sermon on what does this look like for you. Turns out you all realllyyyy are struggling with this as well. Today I’m sharing my first learnings from this process and as always, I’ll always be honest about where I am.

In order to practice showing up for yourself you have to know who you are, what you desire and how you want to feel. Knowing this will allow you to make choices that reflect your hopes and not fears.

Stop Letting One Bad Moment Create a Domino Effect

You know what this looks like in your life. For me it’s, “Well I’ve already done X so I might as well do Y” and blame the series of events instead of taking ownership. Put bluntly, I allow once thing to set me off in a spiral, whether that is food, decisions, shopping, etc. What happens during this is I remove myself from the responsibility I have to myself. It’s as if I have no control in my life and even worse, no responsibility in that moment to myself to stop the train of negative decisions.

Last summer I was not in a great place mentally (although who was?). I was making bad food decisions and went down a very bad path. I started purging after eating. Every time I ate Sour Patch Kids or Taco Bell (sometimes one after the other) I stood over the toilet, gagging myself between conference calls, trying to reverse the series of bad decisions I had made. Is Taco Bell bad? Eh. Is eating Taco Bell bad when you know it will make you purge and have negative body thoughts? Yes. Are Sour Patch Kids bad? Eh. Are they bad when you eat a whole box and when you wake up from your sugar nap you try to undo your decision? Yes.

I was in such a self-hatred cycle that I ignored my triggers, went full-speed into them, got angry I gave into myself and fed the cycle. Over and over again. What was worse is I felt justified that because I had made one decision I was relinquished from having to made good decisions. I had to practice showing up for yourself.

I have the control to accept one bad decision, learn from it and make better decisions. One bad moment is not a bad life, just as much as one bad decision means you can only go down a path of negative decisions.

Do You Know How To Clap For Yourself?

I didn’t. Some days I don’t. I go back and forth between the two. Many people have told me I should clap for myself, but its never been meaningful. All the ways to clap are never going to mean anything when they are “should” moments.

We all too often try to talk comfort in things not meant for us because it seems like they should be for us. We try to find the shape that best blends in and doesn’t show our wounds and hurts so maybe others will like us. Until you are comfortable in your own unique shape, there will be no healing and transformation.

Self-care is the digging into yourself to find the answers. Until you start looking for the answers inside of yourself, the claps for you are meaningless noise. I’ve been thinking and searching for my “clap” already for a month and guess what? I don’t know yet. There’s inklings of what this looks like but I have to dig deeper. I have to sit with the uncomfortable and sort through what I want to take and discard. But you have to do it. And what is another term for this? Self discipline…

Showing Up For Yourself Means Self-Discipline

For me, this is where showing up for yourself hits the hardest. In fact, after talking about this in therapy, we use self-discipline and showing up interchangeably because they are so connected for me.

A couple reasons why this is so important to me to develop:

• Self-discipline is a process every single day and through this is where you learn what showing up for yourself looks like. Until you do practice this discipline, you will not have the answers you are seeking and will become frustrated.
• I’m self-disciplined when it comes to almost everything except making the good decisions I KNOW will help me long-term. Why? Honestly, it’s a deep belief that I am not worth it and fear of failing myself (again).
• It’s a practice and quite honestly, I am not good at practicing. If I’m not good at it right away, what’s the point? I don’t have time to learn a new skill is a lie I tell myself often.

My habits towards myself do not reflect the version I want to be. Why? I lack discipline. I’m able to negotiate

Showing Up for Myself Looks Like This

Here are some current examples what it looks when I’m at my best:

• Waking up early, no phone, cuddling with Eleanor.
• Not having my phone at my desk.
• Riding my Peloton 4-6 times a week.
• Setting clear boundaries with my workday and my weekend priorities.
• Going to bed with a clean kitchen after making a hot meal for myself.
• Working on my opportunity list (not a to-do list, it’s hard to pass up an opportunity, but easy to say no to a to-do item) and completing them in a timely manner.
• Being asleep by 10:30 PM and sleeping on my back.

All of this comes down to being disciplined. Buying a physical alarm clock to make myself wake up early. Training myself (again) to sleep on my back. Being consistent when it’s hard, because I know I’m showing up for myself.

You’re going to falter at developing self-discipline and learning how to clap for yourself. You’re going to have bad days, but how you handle the bad days is going to change. Instead of letting a bad thing control your day, you’re going to be able to have the understanding of how to look at it and know how to process it and acknowledge it for how it is and simply move on.

Every day is an opportunity (if you’re more glass half-full) to practice. Its never easy, but it’s always worth.

Because at the end of the day, who’s going to clap for you if you don’t know how to clap for yourself?