Lessons I’ve Learned in 30 Years

I’m turning 30 today. The age I’ve cried repeatedly about. I thought I’d wake up with dark circles under my eyes and see my career tank due to my youth being gone. (I was much more dramatic in my 20’s so just let me have this moment.) Instead I wake up thrilled, excited to share the words I feel so deeply about what life so far has meant to me. I cried so often about turning 30 because my subconscious knew I wasn’t the person I needed to be. I didn’t know how to become what I needed. I tried to outrun time or evade it somehow. I ran away from so much. Now I’m able to run towards.

Today I am running into a new decade, not from it.

For so much of my life I’ve searched for a sense of belonging. Whether that’s through religion, shared experiences, etc. I’ve searched for it and turned up not just empty-handed, but convinced I’m incapable of finding the pleasure and joy that seemingly comes so easy to those around me. This emptiness from every holiday, bitter disappointment in experiences and people, etc. all have taught me that my sense of belonging won’t come from common experiences and I have to find out what brings me those feelings.

I don’t have a common path, whatever that is. Kids may not be on the roadmap. I don’t even know if I’ll ever find a partner, much less get married in my next 30 years. I won’t share many of life’s important milestones with my friends. I’ve had to make peace that there’s going to be a lot of being alone in my life, but not loneliness. Knowing the difference between being alone vs being lonely is something I’m proud of.

Not to get too granola, but the moment I learned what a Saturn return is, I felt this weird sense of relief. Belonging almost. Know this, the universe has your back. You see, the universe knows the path you should be on and a Saturn return is when it does whatever it needs to do to get you onto the path you should be. I was headed down the wrong path starting at 27 (right when a Saturn return begins) and it was unbelievably apparent I had to change my life. It began with this and resulted in my Saturn return ending living in Chicago. It was one heck of a ride, but I really do believe in this pivotal time as a sort of way to get your life ready for the next 30 years (there’s another Saturn return).

Lessons I’ve Learned in 30 Years

Is it normal to say the most important lessons I’ve learned are the ones I’ve learned in my late 20’s? Granted, the first 24 years of your life are kind of one big blur of development and embarrassing moments you’d like to forget. (Don’t tell me that’s just me, I can’t handle one more lack of commonality in life.)

• You’re not attracted to someone society deems age-appropriate. You don’t have issues. You probably will just not find someone until you are at the same as as what you’re attracted to now. No, you do not have to justify what you are attracted to.
• No one else has to live with you at the end of the day, you do. Your decisions must be so strong in your convictions and beliefs you can remain strong for yourself. People will disappoint (which means you will also disappoint them, bitter pill, eh?), question or not see the vision. You have got to show up for yourself every single day and in every single way.
• You are allowed to grow. Break outside of the box you’re in, routinely. Never stop growing, make sure you outgrow yourself. (Alissa, for goodness sake you can still love dressing overly feminine but also rock a shirtless suit with some Golden Goose. You have never felt sexier than in these photos.)
• When you don’t feel a sense of community, that is your calling to create your own. It doesn’t matter how big it is, just do it. However it looks.
• You can and should do really hard things. Just dive in. You are at your best when you go in 10,000% and make it work. You always have a plan A, B, C, D and land on your feet.

I’m so excited to be turning 30. This is the decade I’ve been dreading since I was a child. Somehow the 40’s were always attractive to me but the 30’s? I always said ugh. In reality, the 20’s are my ugh. The 20’s are this tumultuous time of constant change, you hit a few steady years, then more change and God forbid if you are not where the universe is going to freaking kick you so hard you get on the right path. (Thanks universe by the way!)

Turning 30 gives me freedom. I don’t feel the need to prove who I am anymore. Instead of just having a ton of energy, I’ve learned how to use that energy. How to handle myself is such a weird statement, but one I’ve had to learn.

In the plot twist I never saw coming, this was one of the most rewarding blog posts to write. It feels truly like writing the first page of a new chapter. I’m nervous, eager and excited to see what this decade is going to teach me. I wish I wouldn’t have spent so much time be worried this day was going to arrive, but instead think about who I will be when turning 30.

Thank you for letting me grow into who I needed and sharing that with you. Thank you for helping me create the community I needed.

Cheers to the next decade!