Please note: This post was written during my engagement. For context, please read this. I’ll be using a lot of past tense and appreciate your understanding as I try to help others navigate not only a called-off engagement, but other unexpected things wedding planning can bring out.

All of my life when I pictured my bridal party, it’s been four. Two on each side of me, perfectly balanced. So it felt like fate that my absolute best friends totaled four that I asked to be in my wedding. These ladies range from 14 – 5 years of friendship so this is a tight inner circle. I couldn’t imagine a better circle of friends to be at the alter with me. It was just perfect. Never did I imagine writing this post on handling someone saying no to being a bridesmaid.

Oh by the way, my six-year-old nephew also told me NO over repeatedly when I asked him to be the ring bearer.

I waited to tell all of my would-be bridesmaids in real life that we were engaged. We wanted to be in the moment and I’m so glad that we have those in-person memories. I arrived to eat donuts at my friend Jennifer’s home and announced to her we were engaged! She then announced that she was pregnant with her third daughter! We both kind of had an OOOOOOHHHHHHH face and then ate donuts. After the excitement of both of our news passed, I knew we were going to have to have an awkward conversation. My gut told me it but I ignored it for a while. But I knew there was going to be a defining moment.

Total honesty moment

I have a theory there’s always one person in your bridal party you never talk to again. I’ve been that person. I’ve been friends with that person. You’ve been that person or you know someone. I was afraid of this because I have yet to be proven wrong about it.

How to Handle Someone Saying No to Being a Bridesmaid

Have a real conversation before you ask

I knew I needed to talk to her before I officially “asked” my bridal party. She knew it too. So during the nature of our usual conversation I brought up if she thought she would be able to. There wasn’t really a good way to ask it so I just had to. I felt a little relief when the word were finally out there. But then….. I had to wait for an answer. We agreed that she needed to talk to her significant other if this was even going to be possible to handle with three kids and two of them being infants at the wedding.

Define Expectations

Expectations gets a bad wrap. Expectations isn’t that you get me a deluxe manicure and spa massage the week of the wedding. They area great way to know if you can emotionally, physically or any other way handle something.

So we had a chat about what I expected from the bridal party. In her case I eliminated a couple of things that if I was in KC I would have had her come to. In the grand scheme of things, they didn’t matter as much as the actual wedding so I was fine with her missing . I told her the bridesmaids would be paying for their own dress but I would give them their gift which would include their jewelry to help with costs. It’s almost like a business meeting, but as a bridesmaid you invest a lot of money so it’s good to know what you’re in for.

Honestly she wasn’t able to figure out how to make it work and we had a good talk about what things could be moved around, etc. Logistically, it just was really bad timing, but we both understood that after going through things.

Put Things Into Perspective – It’s Not About You

I have to say, having someone saying no to being a bridesmaid jarred me. Everything was going so perfectly according to plan! Immediately I was on the phone with my BFF freaked out about it all. I was upset because I thought I was doing everything I could to make it as easy for her to be in the wedding. Not shocking, the focus I had was on how this affected ME. This affects my symmetry! My plan!

Okay guess what? It’s not exactly easy for someone actually to have to tell you “No” to being a bridesmaid because of financial/life/whatever reasons. It’s a very vulnerable moment in your relationship and you should be thankful that you have that honesty in your relationship.

You’ll Be Grateful for the Honesty

Let’s be real, being in a wedding is a huge financial and time commitment. It would have been so much more hurtful to have a weird vibe and find out they felt uncomfortable and long-term damage the relationship. I would absolutely never want someone to

Yeah, It Can Be Awkward

Our main form of communication is Hangouts and well, definitely for a few weeks no one wanted to bring up the thing that we all knew. I literally messaged, “I have to talk to you about the thing I know you are going to say but don’t want to say.” So technically she has never said no, but instead it’s not you it’s me. (I can say that because she knows I’m writing this post.)

In the End

I never anticipated a “no” to being a bridesmaid. It is way more important to me that she be at the wedding enjoying it and celebrating with us than in the bridal party. Sure, I did have to re-adjust that I was only going to have three bridesmaids, but I’m still surrounded by those that love me. I want to be sure that I still have a friendship by the end of my wedding and I think that the strain of making it all happen during this huge change for her just wasn’t meant to be.

It’s kind of fun though that I have a BFF that I can vent to about random things and they aren’t as emotionally or cash invested in the wedding. It’s nice to have a creative brain to give feedback.

At the end of the day, the wedding is literally a day. My friendships are much more important. I’m glad that a few weeks of awkwardness means that we are going to still have an amazing friendship and we were honest with each other.