Loss always has a grieving period, even if it’s short. A broken engagement is not exactly a hot topic. And broken engagement grief? Doesn’t even register as a real feeling according to Google. What about if you are the one that ended it? What if it was an engagement that no one was wrong in the end but you were just in a different place? The term broken engagement feels so harsh, like somehow someone broke something, instead of maybe both people just being different in many ways? Of course I know that each person has part in the ending, but it’s so easy to assume the other was wrong because it makes it easier to process.
Grief is weird. Broken engagement grief is weirder. The only thing that helps it is time. Time is the worst part about it. It hits me in random ways. When I don’t have someone to text that I’m headed home and to ask if the dogs missed me. When I crushed it in a meeting I was nervous about and go to text that I killed it because we both will celebrate. That is gone with the person I did that with for years. The silent inside jokes. But most of all, the grief of a chapter closing and knowing that it’s truly over and you two humans and the dogs will now live completely separate lives sometimes.
The Idea Of What You Were
“Sometimes the place you are used to is not the place you belong.”
The Queen of Katwe
What we were grieving, or I was grieving, was the idea of us. Grieving of what we were and the idea of us. In some of our many conversations about if we could make it work, we were trying to get back to who we were together years ago. When we were in the same place, same place and growing together. That idea is wonderful. But it isn’t who we are in 2019. Vacillating between the idea of who you are and who you were is a state that is so strange. It’s like being an observer of your own life as you replay things wondering if they are still true and what changed.
It’s hard to think of what you guys were at your best and realize that somehow that isn’t where you are now. Or that one person thought you were still at the best and you realize that it wasn’t that way for you.
The Creative Loss
Wedding planning gave me so much creativity. I channeled so much creative energy into it that I didn’t know how to be creative unless it was working on details. I even got better at Excel for it! No, I don’t regret anything, because when I am into something, I am all freaking in. There’s no question. As the relationship ended, I had to deconstruct every single thing set into motion for the wedding. The first email I sent felt unreal. By the 20th email, it felt like I was dying by 1,000 cuts (Taylor Swift’s song makes me wonder if she actually has been somehow in my life?) with every word I wrote.
- “No, I appreciate the credit for future use in a year, but I have to cancel. ”
- “Yes, I know I still have to pay the bill.”
- “Thank you for your sympathy.”
- “Yeah, I’m sure someday we can work again. Who knows when that will be.”
It’s hard to watch your creative vision come to an end. None of my ideas translate to a normal event. It’s hard to believe that someday you are going to be able to actually bring to life what you dreamed of. I haven’t found that creative energy anywhere else yet. Nothing has made me feel as alive as that time when I was making a million tiny decisions and working with my vendors.
The Loss of an Identity
Something that I didn’t anticipate? The ability to wear my “Dog Mom” shirt and it being a lie. I knew I had an identity with that but now I’m a fraud if I wear it. That chapter of being Sherlock and Max’s mom is over. More painfully, originally the chapter of being Sherlock’s mom (and in 2019 we rescued Max together) was going to continue, but that was taken away from me. The chapter ended without any warning. I still haven’t unpacked my box that I know there’s a Dog Mom shirt that has dog hair on it. I want it but I don’t want to touch it because it’s not who I am now. Nothing in me wants that dog hair to go away. At least have something of theirs. Grief about losing a dog due a break up is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. They are still alive but go on living their lives without you. I constantly talk to them still. I wonder if they had a good day. Do you miss me? I wish I could see you. Do you know I’m thinking about you? Could you sense I cried myself to sleep holding your photo? Do you? Do you know how much I love you? I fall asleep wondering if you understand that I didn’t leave you. I talked about you the entire time we were deciding if we could work it out. You were always my motivation.
That identity of being a girlfriend, partner, dog mom is over right now. And I know that for him some of his identity is gone too. No matter how strong an individual is, when you’re in a relationship you take on an aspect of a new identity. It’s unavoidable if you are committed to the other person and I think one of the most beautiful things.
Every Little Thing Being Unnerving
After you’ve been with someone for so long, every little thing reminds you of what you’ve done together or something about your relationship. I don’t go to the same stores. I avoid certain TV shows that were “ours” and for a while, even avoided some restaurants because it was just too much. Even some roads were too much to take. You suddenly become the friend that people don’t talk about certain things in front of you. It’s not pity, they mean it in the best way, but the reality that you are “that” friend hits a little differently.
My Internet Ads?
My wedding guests may have known the wedding was called off, but the internet didn’t. I still get ads for wedding items. Actually, one step worse than that is I am not getting targeted with post-wedding items like family planning, nurseries, anniversary trip ideas. I never thought I would be so ready to get back to the internet understanding exactly where I am in life. Most of the ads I can appreciate and look at the pretty items, but other? Well, they just kind of hit a sad nerve right now.
Navigating the loss of a relationship is never easy. Out of the things that I just talked about, the dogs are the ones that are the most painful. Leading up to the wedding date it was a mix of the creative loss and idea of who we were. It’s always in flux and sometimes it’s a combination of all of them. Wherever you are, if you’re reading this, it does get better. Literally just one day at a time, which really sucks. But this is one more day that you have to be a little stronger than you were yesterday. I hope if you’re reading this and in the place I am, you know that you aren’t alone.
Tim Ritter
Your bravery in sharing your pain and grief is going to help someone cope with their loss, their grief. You are an amazing woman of great strength, and when your grief passes, you’ll find yourself in the most wonderful place. Thanks for putting yourself out there. Keep going!
Ivy Boyd
As I sit here sobbing, I cannot express to you just how horribly sorry I am that you are going though this. The part about the dogs just broke my heart in such a profound way. I’m only happy that you didn’t reach a destination that wasn’t ultimately right for you. That’s something only you know. I have no doubt you’ll emerge from this experience better than ever but know that getting there is the hard part. I am sending all the love and support I have to offer. Thank you for sharing such an intimate look into your experience.