Anybody Can Have an Eating Disorder, Including Me

Editors Note: This post deals with eating-disorder symptoms.

My body doesn’t physically want to be small. Yet I try to minimize my presence. I think it’s an intentional reminder to stop trying to minimize myself. This inner conflict between trying to take up less physical space while expanding my emotional and career space is constant and exhausting. It’s taken years for me to believe my body is not the issue. My body is not the issue when something isn’t flattering.

There’s no resolution, tips or advice in this post. There’s simply a huge sigh of relief that you know this.This in no way defines my story, it’s simply in my story.

“You’ve been here for half an hour. You need to do it or you’ve wasted all this time.”

I leaned over the toilet trying to stop my self-spiral I’d been in for a few weeks. I knew what I was doing when I ate those Sour Patch Kids. Moreover I really knew what I was doing when I shoved a handful of them into my mouth. I felt the sour react with my taste buds and slightly tingle them. Almost to the edge of painful, but instantly switching to that sweet that keeps you going back for me.

It was the winter after breaking up. I ate Taco Bell, a rarity. It was a Sunday night, which hit me really hard almost every weekend. It wasn’t Sunday scaries about my job, it was my Sunday scaries about my life. (We’ll talk about that someday) I had just eaten two tacos, a Mexican pizza and probably something else. Full to the point it almost hurt (so good).

All of the sudden, I walked to my bathroom and leaned over the toilet. I couldn’t believe I was about to do it. I purged enough to make myself not feel bad about eating it. My eyes were watery from the purging and I had a terrible aftertaste. Standing up I was out of breath.

I was horrified that I was proud of myself. Not only did I do it but I had pride I punished my body. I went to bed ashamed and yet proud and had horrific dreams.

As a Teenager in the ER

I was in the ER for chest pains when I was being quizzed repeatedly by the staff. At the same time, my mom was removed from the ER room. I was a teenager so I had no idea what was normal protocol for the ER. All I knew was that they were overly interested in what I had been eating. Without going into too many details, the team told me I had the early signs of an eating disorder. Not only had I been eating low quality-foods, the reason I was in the ER was that my body was starving.

Leading up to this, I had been so proud that I finally wasn’t always wanting to eat. Finally, I was like my friends who were full after 1/2 a sandwich. No more sneaking a second snack because I was hungry. A cheeseburger was enough. No need to add fries or anything else that afternoon.

A few things played into this scenario, While, I’m not going to go into those factors, I do know my takeaway from that was, “I can’t have an eating disorder because if I had an eating disorder I would be thinner.” I resumed eating normally and taking potassium supplements.

I owe my body an apology for assuming I understood what an eating disorder looked like. This one though I also know in my world an eating disorder was not something I was aware of. Only bad people who didn’t trust enough in God would have those. (Please know I do not in any way think that now, this was simply the narrative of my childhood.)

As a Single Woman

You want to know what one of my biggest concerns was as I restarted my life in 2019? I didn’t want to gain weight. So much that I cut out eating meat. As if one certain item can make me gain weight. My focus was on being “marketable” when I was ready to get back to dating (LOL – self-partnered two years later). I was so proud of how limited I was.

I never had “trigger” foods before this part of my life. Now I do.

Taco Bell and Sour Patch Kids.

At the height of the pandemic, I once opened a small box of Sour Patch Kids. Suddenly I was like a starving monster shoving them into my mouth, barely able to close my mouth.

Taco Bell I will never get over being the “mystery meat” restaurant. How could you want to eat something so bad? On the other hand, Sour Patch Kids make me have sour sweats. They remind me I just ingested a ton of sugar that I should feel bad for enjoying. A terrible choice that if I was a better person I wouldn’t have made.

That time I told my friends what happened. I told them because I thought it would stop me.

I felt relief that I told them, but I didn’t feel shame that I did it.

It was a simple fact that I did it and I was proud that I was able to succeed at it.

As a 30 Year Old Woman

You read the introduction to this post. I’d like to position it to sound like it was long ago. Although I am proud to say that I haven’t done the action since last year, the thoughts still sometimes come.

Months ago I casually brought purging up in therapy. It was that session that we also opened up the connection between eating and money. (Excessing spending often results in excess eating for me or at the very least, ignoring my body signals of what I need to eat.) I’m proud to say that I haven’t purged this year. I’ve learned my triggers and have actively removed them. (It helps not having friends that like Taco Bell)

Self-discipline is what will keep me honoring myself. It’s hard. Trying to course-correct your patterns and learned behaviors isn’t easy, but you’re worth it. I’m worth it. So, every day I’m working just a little harder to become the person I want to be. You don’t want up one day and become that person. It’s slowly, with dedication and perseverance, you wake up after many days and realize you have fought to become who you are and you’re dang proud.

I want to be clear, I’m at the healthiest I’ve been with my body. The pandemic has sort of forced me into a real look in the mirror with where I am. Currently I am at my strongest, increasing my endurance thanks to my Peloton and I am amazed that my body is even willing to allow me to do it. My body owes me nothing after what I’ve put it through. Yet it shows up for me.

My curves aren’t an issue. If they bother you, that’s your issue. I shouldn’t live rent-free in your mind for my body and what you don’t like about it. I’ve spent most of my life trying to minimize who I am for others comfort. That’s not who I am now.

My calves don’t fit in knee-high boots but they power me through hills at 60+ resistance. My arms are larger than they used to be but they let me pet Eleanor. I’m making and have made peace with where I am. Once I started finally actually making good decisions and listening to what my body needs, I realized how much I owed it. It’s not easy, I want to make the more tasty decisions. But my body loves protein and fats and feels best when following a high-protein, lower carb plan. And some days it wants a box of Annie’s Shells and Cheese with that high protein.

It be like that sometimes.

*Exhales*