What Happened When I Answered My “What If?” – A Life Update

The last time I wore this dress (here) I was asking what was keeping you from finding what you need and letting go. What do you really need, not what do you think you need because someone else has it. When I went to look for how I’d worn it before, I smiled to myself. I find it hard to believe that there wasn’t some sort of cosmic aligning that I would find in 2020 reading past Alissa’s words to myself. “What is keeping you from what you really need?” is what keeps popping into my brain. I could say all the environmental factors that kept/keep me from finding what I really need. But there’s one that I’ve been able to control all along, the me factor. I have stood in my own way for a very long time. It’s taken mental, emotional and physical work for me to stop saying, “No” and instead ask, “What do you really need?”

It’s really hard to advocate for yourself. I can name all of the reasons why I am not ready for something. I can’t name all of the reasons I am right for something. But the thing about doing scary things is they become a little less… scary. They still bring on the anxieties of something new, but there’s a peace you begin to seek out. There’s a peace I get when I’m backed up against a wall and I have one shot. That peace is what I crave and once you get a taste of it, you can’t ignore it. You can’t not advocate for yourself. Once you begin to know your worth you can’t fit into that box you had safely created for yourself to exist in.

It’s not that I enjoy doing hard things. Our human nature doesn’t love that. I say it a lot but you can’t ignore your gut. Your gut knows when you need to stretch yourself. It knows when you need to do that hard work.

Back to the dress. There’s something about it that’s made me want to keep it around. I always wear it at the end of the summer. I don’t know why it happens that way. But my memories in it are always of sun-drenched summer evenings that make me reflect on what the summer has taught me. It’s a dress that has sort of grown with me. Just kind of the right dress for the right moment.

This dress almost feels like a second skin. A hug. Perhaps even a connection to previous versions of Alissa that have grown, but have worn the dress. Every time I wear it I wonder what’s coming next. What’s the big moment coming? This year, I know that moment. I felt myself wearing this dress on repeat as I felt that moment coming to fruition.

I’m happy to say Eleanor and I are moving to Chicago.

For once, I said all the reasons I can do this. I didn’t focus on the negatives. I followed my own newsletter topic and said, “What if?” instead of no. As soon as the opportunity came to me I knew this was the answer to my gut telling me it’s time for something else. I even had to weigh another lucrative opportunity against this one and it still gave me peace. It felt like all of the internal work I’ve done to unshackle myself mentally to things in my current life were leading up to this moment.

I won’t be sharing the timeline on things or blogging real-time about it. I need this to be my own private moment and eventually I’ll share. Please just know I think something good is really about to happen. I can’t wait to see where we both go in this journey. Well, Eleanor, you and myself. When the time is right I’m so excited to share with you the story of how this all came to be.

You all know I don’t believe in a happily ever after. But I do believe that when things align so strongly you can’t deny it, you need to lean into those moments. This is one of them. There will be some hiccups I’m sure. But right now I’m living with a peace I haven’t felt in a long time, even knowing I’ll have some plot-twists.

I can’t wait to see what this next chapter brings and thank you for helping me create a safe space to share.