Shooting my Shot, Getting Over A 10 Year Crush and Single Life

I haven’t talked about being single, but not for bad reasons. I truly have enjoyed being single, to the point I’m worried I’ll never want to actually date again. And I’m not just saying that because I am single and that’s what you say until you’re not single. I don’t think I’m going to fall in love for a very, very long time, which is a-okay with me. This is for many reasons, one of which is that I still haven’t started dating which tends to help you on the search for love. Allegedly. I still haven’t confirmed this is accurate. I’ll let you know what I find out.

Using LinkedIn Premium to Flirt

In possibly the most type 3 move ever, I used a LinkedIn Premium trial to try to connect with someone I thought was cute. I was in a weird space and trying to figure out if I was ready to even start flirting. I deemed him my “test” to see how it would go.

I knew if I sent them a message on Facebook it would go into their other inbox and we all know that is absolutely going to not be seen. (Drives me nuts when people talk about not knowing about that inbox. WE ALL KNOW ABOUT IT!) I didn’t want to exactly *connect* but I was like okay whatever let’s go for it.

I did and then I saw that person, talked to them and was like BYEEEEEEE. Talk about a letdown, I didn’t even get to the crush stage. And now I am out a LinkedIn Premium trial.

The Shooting My Shot With An Office Quote

Picture this. CES 2020. The world was normal then. Tradeshows were happening. People gathered together. I, along with some of the staff (only the super duper cool ones), had essentially just pulled an all-nighter going from Snoop to Drake to 4 a.m. pizza, etc. I was losing my voice and I hated anyone who made me talk because all I wanted was to sleep in the conference room. You get the idea. I was not at the top of my game.

Our booth had a team that was our booth production and one member had to leave and be replaced. To which I saw that replacement and was like hhhhiiiiii. Actually this was what I said, “Hi, I’m Alissa, I swear I did not smoke a pack of cigarettes a day to get this voice and it’s great to meet you.” At that exact moment I thought, “I did not know I have a type but I have FOUND that type.” Tall, a little thiccccccccc, 35, Brooklyn-Jewish and enjoyed the same TV shows (this is relevant to the image below as we talked about The Office and Brooklyn 99) as me. I did NOT expect to have a crush when I woke up that day and let me tell you, I did NOT expect to also feel like there was a bit of a vibe between that crush and I.

I took photos of him like the incredibly obvious creeper I am. We talked, careful to balance working in the booth and keeping up conversation. Then I learned he was literally only there for one day. ONE DAY. ONE FORKING DAY. I told myself to go for it, it was probably the sleep deprivation. My best friend called it, I chickened out and didn’t talk to him or ask for his number. I thought I had missed my shot. Then I realized that I had one more chance. I guessed what his email was for work and shot off this email when I got home.

I haven’t heard from him. Heck, I don’t even know if he got the email, but I’m glad I did. I’m often unable to be spontaneous and this was the definition of that. Brooklyn-Jewish man who was super cute, email me if you ever find this and want to talk about that dog video we were both laughing at.

Bumble Literally Ran out of People for Me to Swipe Left On

I downloaded Bumble for approximately 15 minutes of my life. I swiped left so many times I ran out of suggestions. Then I changed my filter to be even more particular. I had two matches. Changing the filter to be a lot less strict? My hand hurt from swiping left so many times.

Letting Go of a 10 Year Crush

This one is harder and the one that I am worried about talking about. I told myself in December I needed to close out the decade not having the same crush I had when it started. Growing up I had a crush on a man that ultimately never went anywhere as we both went our separate ways and relationships and would randomly talk.

We’re both single now and reconnected in our extremely complex/complicated-dynamic way. We both very clearly still feel attracted to each other and can have incredibly banal but then flirty conversations and know that it’s never going farther. I waited, let things progress and then we had a conversation that was forced (unfortunately it was forced due to something out of my control) I now he is not in the place to ever give it a try.

Before we had this conversation, I did a lot of work. I thought I was in the place to be okay with that. But I wasn’t. I eventually have gotten there, but it’s taken a lot of processing. Why am I not worth taking a shot? Is it just the wrong timing again? Why am I not able to let go that I truly think that we could have been great together if we truly, truly tried?

There’s so many reasons why I thought we should work. Should. But the reality is that I’ve wanted something to work that takes two people that are equally in it. And that’s not going happen, possibly ever with him and I. I know someday I’m going to attend his wedding, someone I possibly always thought we would truly give it a shot, marry someone else who he did give a chance to. Quite frankly, this was the hardest part to process. I can see it, feel it, I know what it’s going to be like.

In December I had note-cards written out with the words I was going to say to him. I wanted to Love, Actually him and just show up with a bunch of signs that said what I wanted. If he didn’t feel that way I wrote that I would never bring up again, ever and life would move on. I know that the timing for him isn’t ideal, but when is it ever for anyone?

I don’t think he has ever actually read the blog so I’m very confident he’ll never see this. But this isn’t for him, for once it’s truly for me to be able to let go of this and move on. So now you know dude.

Single Life

I have never thought I would enjoy silence as much as I have. My home has become my retreat, my safe place and somewhere I genuinely want to be now. Don’t get me wrong, I am still social, going places always and over-committed to extroverted things, but I love being alone. I don’t know when this feeling is going to end but it’s pretty wonderful right now.

The only thing that is exhausting is that I feel like I am constantly checking to see when I’m going to be over it. Have I really healed? Is it the right time? Is it today? What would my dating profile look like? Do I need to look cute today because it’s the day I meet someone? DO I HAVE TO KEEP SHAVING MY LEGS EVERY SINGLE DAY? (then COVID-19 hit and that is so a thing of the past) When the time is right, I’ll know is what I keep telling myself.

So yeah, there’s somehow a lot happening and yet nothing happening to my single life. I’m sure there’s going to be some 2020 adventures in single Alissa’s life and I can’t wait to share those with you! That is once we all start leaving out homes.