Perhaps It’s Not About Raising the Bar, But Expanding It

Perhaps it’s a solo move across states during a pandemic, election and soon entering a new decade that put me into a highly reflective season of life. As I processed many thoughts with my therapist, I had an aha moment. Perhaps more than an aha moment. Today goes out to the ambitious women who has been chastised for being too much. For being the long voice in a room. Who have dissented. Those women have paved the road for me to be able to write these words to you on the internet. May we continue to raise strong women and support them. Because while we say we want strong women, we also say “No, not like that” and someday I hope we actually prove through support and encouragement, we really do want strong women.

As I expressed my complex feelings on my home-state, I had a brutal moment where I said the words I’ve been so afraid to say. “What if I am only able to raise the bar in Kansas because it’s lower? What if I have no impact on raising the bar in Chicago?” My therapist, proving why she gets paid the big bucks my insurance won’t pay so I do, took a moment and said something that changed my course of thought.

“What if it’s not about raising the bar, but expanding it and seeing what that will bring?”

But wait! I thought my whole purpose as a 3W2 is to raise the bar? Yes, I know I struggle with happiness while in pursuit of always raising that bar. (How can you have a happy experience when you are always trying to think of how you can make it better?) However, isn’t that what makes me, me? Relentless pursuit of doing the most and best I can? Sure, it does make me tired. Yes, I am prone to burnout when I’m at my peak because I’m overcommitted and not taking care of myself. But surely if I don’t keep this up, no one will?

Per the usual cadence of getting near the end of the year, I’ve started thinking about my birthday in January. This year though, it’s different. It’s thinking about what I want my next decade to be, not about how I’m getting closer to 30. The 20’s are a tumultuous time and unless it’s my late 20’s, you can’t pay me to go back.

So what do I want my 30’s to be like? I think exactly what the title of my blog post is. My 30’s are about expanding the bar, if it’s raised, it’s raised, but that is no longer the sole intention. After all, what is the point of raising the bar if there is nothing to support and sustain the bar?

I cant help but feel like if you are expanding the bar, you naturally are raising the bar. In the way you raise your standard of living as you get older and your career progresses, your intention isn’t to just raise the bar, but to expand your lifestyle and happiness. An unintended (good) consequence is raising the bar.

If you’re like me, your relentless pursuit of raising the bar is like chasing the wind. Why we do this to ourselves I’ll never know. You’ll never win, but have fleeting moments of happiness leaving you to chase that high again. The validation you need doesn’t come as others write you off as “extra” and ignore the idea that this is how you show your love for them.

If you’re also like me, you need to know, you don’t have to raise the bar, you are enough as you are. You are enough as you are to be loved. There’s nothing you need to do to prove you are worthy of it. Some won’t get you and that’s not your role to make them see it.

Raise a glass to yourself if these words resonate. You have a beautiful role in many people’s lives, but don’t forgot the role you have in your own life.

Expand your bar and it will naturally be raised. Alissa, read that again.
You will be okay if you aren’t raising the bar every second of your life, you are allowed to explore more.