I just drove round-trip 75 minutes to pick up a dining room table I couldn’t fit in my car. Well, I drove 75 minutes to pick up a dining room table after searching for weeks for something in stock, ready for pick up and didn’t cost $800. I knew it was going south as soon as the World Market associated picked up and was annoyed I called order pick-up to pick up my order. I knew it was going south when she had to use a hand-truck to bring it out. We all knew it was going south when we looked at the box and my car.
I felt the question coming; I knew it was happening. I wanted to pre-emptively answer it. Anticipation was in my breath.
“Do you have someone who can help you?”
“No, it’s just me.”
As I said the words I felt a burning in my throat as it was closing inside itself.
The associate low-key scoffed at me and high-key rolled her eyes. “Well it’s not going to work so what do you want to do?” I looked at her, with a tear in my eye, “I guess just put it back.” I was begging her with my eyes for any sort of empathy to try to make me feel less hopeless. She shrugged and said they’ll hold it for me for a week. I quickly got into the car and pulled to the other side of the parking lot and threw my head back to stop tears from falling.
It’s never been one single moment. Instead there’s a series of small annoyances that one day make you feel so insignificant and incapable of doing big and scary things.
- It took me weeks to hang a curtain rod because the previous attempts ended in multiple nail-holes.
- My 65″ TV is on the ground because I don’t have the emotional or physical resources to hang it.
- The dining room table fiasco noted above.
- Eleanor jumped the fence to meet a neighbors dog and for a brief moment I thought I had lost her.
It feels ridiculous to lament about these micro-irritations but they add up to what I’ve struggled with admitting. Moving across states by yourself is really hard. It’s not impossible to do, but you really have to dig into yourself.
When I wrote this post it was just a dream to move away, not a reality. I expected things to be challenging, but I didn’t expect them to be hard. What concerns me is it’s not even the winter yet. I haven’t even navigated the snow. I’ve not been quiet about my burning desire for an SUV and part of me wishes Alissa years ago, despite not being able to see into the future, should have anticipated the need for an SUV. How could 2018 Alissa be so short-sided to not think about this happening?!?! She should have known!
The reality is I’m pushing through growing pains right now. I know this is the push I need. I know I should be here. But it doesn’t take away the cold, lonely, dark evenings where I wonder things like:
- Will I ever feel like I have a “home” again?
- Where do I want to live next?
- Did I ruin my dog’s life by taking her away from her nice vet and play care?
- How are you going to accomplish everything you feel you need to do in the next like two weeks because you could be doing more.
- Exactly what am I supposed to be learning right now? Am I learning the right lesson? The wrong one? Am I on track?
- What big thing am I supposed to be doing right now? Am I missing it? Am I doing it? What if I miss it?
- Do my friends remember me? If I don’t text them for a few hours does it mean they’ve moved on without me? What if I see them again and I don’t know who they are?
I guess ultimately a move where you uproot your entire life just requires you to dig into yourself in a new way. I thought I had done enough of that in the last year. Turns out digging into yourself is a never-ending task with limitless depth into your soul. You will never have to worry about not having something you need to work on when it comes to yourself (or a house).
This isn’t really an insightful or helpful post for you probably. Honestly it’s one of those I write as a journal entry to myself. I want to be able to look back and reference this time. I know these feelings are temporary, but I want to know exactly how temporary they are. The night feels long and I look forward to waking up earlier every single day to try to savor every moment of the daylight.
I want one thing known. I’m going to get a dining room table if it kills me. Or an SUV. Whichever comes first.
Kell
You’re not the only one crying and breaking and going into depression-irrational-brain spirals over every little thing right now. The world is a mess.
Add to that, that moving is listed as one of the top five stressors of life (heh, at least, pre-2020), so you’re doing a really hard thing.
In the five months it took me to buy my house, do some renovations, and move in, I felt like I was literally going crazy from the constant anxiety spiking, and all my home-owning friends told me it was 100% normal and would pass, and I wasn’t crazy. They were right.
Moving is stressful as f*ck. On top of 2020. Omg. And tell yourself: you’re doing better than Michelangelo was.
https://www.exurbe.com/self-care-healthy-work-habits-for-the-pandemic/ “And for a better historical model to use for how productive we should be in 2020, remember 1522-3, when Michelangelo was being hounded by lawsuits, and there was a political takeover crisis in his homeland, and he was so stressed he wrote later that he couldn’t touch a chisel the whole time, he couldn’t concentrate on any kind of art, too stressed and scared. Even Michelangelo, whom everyone agrees to call “genius.” Breaking down is normal for everyone, there are no special geniuses immune somehow to the slings and arrows of outrageous 2020. So next time you find a project taking longer than your planned, and your attention straying, and your ability to cope fading away, remember that if you’re getting anything accomplished in these months you’re already doing better than Michelangelo. And then do some self-care.”
Sonia
Damn straight to Kell above. Moving is incredibly stressful. Also is it possible to move without a breakdown?! One time in college I had a breakdown because I realized every time I move I will have to do it by myself and sort out some logistical nightmare. Yet, I look back and think about how challenging those instances were but I persisted! So, I know you are going to be able to come back to this post and answer all these lingering questions and be so proud of yourself and your growth. You”ll reflect and think of how odd 2020 was when your TV was on the floor. Nonetheless I’m proud of you. It will take time like everything in life seems to feel right now. The world is heavy and its okay if you’re processing slowly when you’re making MOVES. Also, that latte sounds AMAZING. And girl get that SUV!
ESW
You are so, so, so NOT alone in feeling this way! I have felt/feel this way often during our pandemic move and ensuing dog adoption — and I have the support of my husband and have had other family to help me — so I cannot imagine the stress you’re under doing this alone. I would not have had the guts, financial resources, and planning capabilities to do what you’re doing at your age and I admire your grit. Keep throwing your head back to keep the tears in…but also embrace the ugly-cry if you need to. Take good care and have a wonderful weekend!