My best friend and I were texting and asked if every year is so radically different as this one is from last year. It feels like I wrote this blog post yesterday. It’s funny how quickly things can become “normal.” My stress dreams are now about walking into a store without a mask. I can’t figure out why people aren’t wearing masks in any television made before 2020. I lost my purse mask which mean my car mask was then my purse mask and life was all sorts of chaos.
It would feel disingenuous to not catalog the high, lows and some losses of the last year. Not only to you, the reader, but to myself when I look back and read this. So, for better or worse, the personal highs and lows of the pandemic.
Focusing on What I Can Control
High
I have not had a conversation about what I miss most about pre-pandemic life. I haven’t said, “I miss…..” about anything. In fact, I have struggled just to even say “I miss you” to friends and family since moving. It is so inconceivably unproductive for me to think about “missing” something. Others may enjoy talking about what once was, but I don’t. That’s gone. Focusing on the past holds us back and stops the forward motion.
I cannot control so much right now. I have determined not to look back and instead focus on the now and future. Life right now is what it is, we cannot change that. How we handle that is what develops our character. This entire pandemic is an example of how we choose to either become a victim or a grow from circumstances. We cannot control what happens, we can control how we react. This has been my focus and I choose to be grateful I can develop this tool.
Life Reset
High
One of my immediate “action” plans when we were grounded in March was to figure out how I could best take of advantage of the time. While I thought it was going to be a mere few weeks, I immediate saw the “pause” as a gift to think about where I’m going in life. Coincidentally lining up with my Saturn return I didn’t even know about. I was on a virtual townhall for work and our leader said, “Someday we’re going to emerge from this, how are you going to be different?”
Admittedly I pushed myself, often to the breaking point, to make sure I took advantage of this. As much as I tried to make things happen, I had no idea how much life planned on resetting for me. I don’t know if all of this would have happened COVID or not, but the plan life had for me was far greater than I anticipated.
A few things I’m going to emerge from the pandemic with:
- Eleanor and getting to become a dog mom again.
- With new job, my dream job actually.
- Living in Chicago.
- Self-disciplined and able to have maximum (balanced) productivity.
- One date in 2020 that opened my eyes to what I deserve to feel with someone.
- A brand new style suited for my new lifestyle and environment.
- Surprisingly, with a few new friends or with friends that I’ve been able to reconnect due to the world slowing down.
I’m immensely proud of the internal work I’ve done during this period. It’s starting to manifest externally and I hope I become the best version of myself possible.
Anger Outbursts
Low
I learned a very important lesson about myself. When I am removed from people and have no social outlet, all of that energy comes out in one very angry outburst. When an enneagram 3W2 doesn’t have some sort of an extroverted release, things can get dicey. There’s no specific trigger, it just hits in a flash. And it is a very big, big and nasty flash. It’s often misdirected anger and it takes me a while to pinpoint exactly what is the emotion.
Unfortunately, layered into the pandemic storyline there’s another plotline that is no small feat, working on healing. The combination of these two deeply draining and are a complicated intertwining. My friend Kara has been the unfortunate one to experience the lashing out. She is quick to forgive but even more quick to practice grace and empathy and work with me to determine what is the unspoken, often unknown, trigger. When I’m at my lowest I wonder if the next time is the last outburst for her.
I have learned the #1 thing to do when I find myself in these anger moments is to stay off social media for 1-2 days. This is important for so many reasons, but seeing people not taking the pandemic seriously, especially those I know, has been a huge source of anger.
Fragmented Relationships
High and Low
Honestly, the past year revealed the character of family and friends. People tell you who they are, your job is to listen. I have cut off relationships entirely and I feel no regret. I took many months to find any way to make them work. Ultimately, the last year has shown who people are morally and I’ve had to learn we have fundamentally different views on life and have no common ground.
I’ve had to normalize cutting out toxic relationships. I’m charging rent for living in my head now. I can’t support someone’s business when I know their political and moral beliefs are not only opposite of mine, but hypocritical. Ironically, I think others have also cut off their relationship with me as my beliefs are opposite of theirs. Call me a radical and I’ll take that badge.
When things are “normal” I don’t think they will be. Because we’ve seen the character of those we thought we could count on to do the least to help humanity. To value human life. Not incite an insurrection. I won’t forget who people are during this time. Neither should you. Don’t wish for this time to just go past so you can look past the uncomfortable things you’re seeing.
I don’t know when it’s going to be “over.” What I do know is that question I was asked, “Someday we’re going to emerge from this, how are you going to be different?” is something I think about every single day. I don’t think we’ll be given this chance to reevaluate life again. While it’s challenging, that’s where the change happens.
How are you going to be different?
AB
So good, gave me chills to read. You are weathering the pandemic in true Alissa fashion. I especially appreciated the last part about this situation revealing who people are and whether you are willing to let them take up emotional and mental real estate. I won’t be forgetting what I’ve learned during this time and that includes businesses that don’t value life.
Morgan
THIS
“ When things are “normal” I don’t think they will be. Because we’ve seen the character of those we thought we could count on to do the least to help humanity. To value human life. Not incite an insurrection. I won’t forget who people are during this time. Neither should you. Don’t wish for this time to just go past so you can look past the uncomfortable things you’re seeing.”
Alissa – this is exactly how I feel. Thank you for capturing it so eloquently.
Karly
YES! PREACH! YES! I literally couldn’t stop nodding my head through this whole post. You put it all into words perfectly – the past year has been one giant reflection of who I am, who I want to be and where I want to go. We’re never, ever going to get this time again so we might as well use it wisely. Including getting rid of people and friendships that no longer serve a purpose – I’m not sure I’ll ever forget people’s true colors throughout all this. Getting off social media is a must!
Karly
https://www.whatkarlysaid.com