Four Things I Focus On When Everything Feels Chaotic

For a period this year I felt like the embodiment of a plastic bag floating through the air that just happened to have to pay bills. I was discombobulated, at best. Outwardly I appeared normal and perfectly regulated. Inwardly (and in my closet and various rooms of my home) it was chaotic. I had no anchors, anything could ricochet and blow up my world. I found myself ungrateful, slightly crabby and itchy. You know, not literally itchy, but I just had a lot of itchiness that made me feel constant discomfort and I ran off that.

Finally, I had enough of it. I literally made a list of the things I can and cannot control. That exercise grounded me, the thing I’d been seemingly trying to avoid. It all came down to what I can and cannot control. My focus was entirely on what I cannot control. I flipped back to therapy notes and ahhhh, there they are, the things I can control. (I’ve been here all too often.)

What I Can Control

1. My Breathing

I get hiccups a lot. Like, an inordinate amount. One of the reasons is that I am often not breathing the way I need. Like, I do not actively breathe, I passively, if that makes any sense. Very, very shallow. Anyway, when I can’t control a lot, I try to really pay attention to how I’m breathing. (If I was a better person I’d probably meditate or something but I can’t stand doing that.)

2. How I React

Time and time again, I am truly the only thing I can control. Whenever I find myself spiraling, I try to slow down my response, especially via email. That means waiting 10 minutes instead of 5. (Let’s be real, I can’t slow down that much.) It can be as simple as just re-reading emails or messages to make sure you understand the intent. (When I’m in this float-y space I can easily misinterpret or add my own color so I have to flag that in myself)

Whatever it takes, focus on controlling your reaction instead of giving into it.

3. How I Present Myself

I get dressed for work every day. Even while WFH. It’s important to me to have the distinction between work clothes and house clothes. I noticed I started getting more casual in how I presented myself. Almost… lazy. Although still technically dressed for work, but not me at my best. I had even gotten lazy about taking care of my hair and was basically putting it in a curly topknot or something else. I’m in my 30’s. No person should be doing that unless it’s like on a casual Friday.

For some, being casual works for them. In contrast, for me, it signals disengagement. My mental health and work suffer when I show up casually and without poise.

So I went back to what has always worked best for me, outfit planning. I grabbed some easy outfits and put them at the front of my closet so they were a no-brainer. The very first day I showed back up on camera with hair washed, my favorite jacket and a tinted moisturizer I felt so much better. I even had a few people comment on my presentation and how fresh-faced I looked.

4. My Focus

Real talk: I’m slightly embarrassed by my attitude at work. It’s not that it’s been bad. In fact, most people probably didn’t notice. I was productive, attentive and engaged. Nothing was really lagging, except me. You can fool a lot of people, but you can only fool yourself for so long. And I reached that threshold of fooling myself.

The first thing to focus on?

Yes, I focus on focusing.

You know when everything has your focus? In contrast to what you may believe, you’re not focused. I’ll catch myself ping-ponging my attention, making my span even shorter. Even though I was getting stuff done, I went back and redid it. In spite of it being “done,” it was not done in the way, had I had a critical, focused eye.

I literally went back to just writing an opportunity list and had a top three. I had a boss that every Monday had us give her our top three for the week. It was a great early-week check-in and kept me accountability and aware of what they may ask me about. Creating a ‘top 3’ for yourself weekly or daily is really helpful to train your focus again.

In addition, try a new working method! I do 45/15 work/break patterns when I find myself really struggling to focus. Oh and PUT AWAY YOUR PHONE.

Honestly that period of floating like a plastic bag through the wind only ended because I was TIRED of it. I literally woke up one day and was done. Was it easy to change? No. But every day I slowly pulled myself out of the funk until I felt back to my normal non-floating plastic bag self.