Life isn’t a series of 30, 60 or 90 day check-ins, but perhaps it should be? As I sit here and reflect on what the calendar tells me has been only a few short months, I feel like I’ve been here for years. Even more importantly, I feel like I have some answers to the questions I asked as I started on this journey. It’s rare that life provides you answers you are seeking in a timely fashion.
A Freddy’s Update
This is very important breaking news. I have found a Freddy’s within 45 minutes of me! The Friday night I found out I made a 90 round-trip drive to eat a double California steak burger with no tomato. As I sat in my car, eating and soaking in the glory of the smell of Freddy’s, I surprised myself. I surprised myself by realizing I was glad I didn’t find out until now.
Had I known about this Freddy’s during the transition period, I would have spent a lot of time seeking out what was comfortable and known. Instead I decided to find my “new” Freddy’s, or let that be something else. I’m glad I was forced to find the “new” in all the unfamiliar ways I was mourning the loss of familiarity.
“I know I Need to Be Here, but I Don’t Know Why”
One of the rewarding things about this check-in I created so I could chronical what the moving and settling in process is being able to read what I was feeling a short-time ago. All too often I am focused on moving forward and not looking at the journey it took to get to the there.
I had an explosive therapy session one Friday afternoon. One where I got visibly angry and said things I’ve felt all my life, things that have defined me and things that I’ve felt I needed to minimize. My therapist prodded and didn’t allow me to minimize my feelings. It felt like breaking through the surface and finding fresh air. It was a breakthrough moment in my life. and at the end of it, I realized I had a why. Why I am here.
I know I need to be here because I have to heal.
I thought my “healing” was from ending the engagement, etc. Instead what I need to being healing is the story of who I am. What made me, good or bad, but none the less are part of the story.
“The Cold Builds Character…”
Is what I repeated as I shoveled my driveway from a foot of snow during my first real snowstorm. And then it kept snowing. Then more snow came. After that the high was -2, but with sun so it only felt like -15. (True story.) I went from literally never having used a snow shovel to it just becoming part of my morning routine. My only concern is that I feel like I’m running out of places to put the snow.
If you are reading this and have cared for me in any possible way and feel so obliged, if you wanted to go in on a snow blower with other people I would be ever so grateful. But for real, a snow blower is my #1 gift request and I could not feel more 30 if I tried.
If you’re going to be living here, your starter kit needs to be a snow shovel, pet-safe ice melt, a heated blanket and small space heater.
State of the Home and Floor TVs
No, I still don’t have a dining room table. Nor do I have a hanging TV. What I do have is a spinning studio that brings me joy and teaches self-discipline. I have a thin console for the TV to rest on. (Yes, it still leans but it’s off the floor. It was a harrowing 10 minutes as I try to lift it.)
When I signed a short-term lease I thought this was just a temporary home. I decided to basically do the minimum to make it how I’d like. I’ve decided, as long as the rent doesn’t increase significantly, to stay here for a year. I’m willing to invest a little more heart and emotional resources now. While I don’t know that I plan on getting a dining room table, I am looking at things like peel and stick wallpaper to make my bedroom a happy place. And yes… I am willing to hire someone to hang that dang TV this spring. (Grumble, grumble, grumble.)
One of the main reasons I want to stay is the luxury of three bathrooms and two bedrooms. I want a place for people to stay when they are safely able to. I’m excited to think of ways to prepare the second bedroom for that. My house is not what I would choose to do if I owned it but I’m going to make it truly my happy place. I can’t wait to share that with others.
Reflections on the Transition
It all sort of happened slowly, yet all at once. I found myself craving uniquely Chicago foods and no longer seeking out what was familiar. Discomfort was the new comfort. I had a new schedule, a new “norm” and a new internal outlook.
Perhaps it would have happened on its own, but the most needed and transformative revelation spared in this period was my need to work on self-discipline. That’s what gave me so many “aha” moments. What made me realize I don’t know how to show up for myself and the hardest of all, ways I excuse myself, to myself, about what I can’t do. Once I started leaning into learning self-discipline, so much started clicking.
I used to have a lot of coworkers ask me if I wanted more than Kansas. Being a good Kansan of course I defended our cost of living and “good place to raise a family” despite knowing I didn’t want a family. I’m glad I don’t have to convince myself of things that do not feel right for me. I’m so thankful I had this opportunity. I get to feel an indescribable “lightness” that shapes my experiences now. Life won’t be like this for long, so I want to be humbly thankful for the good it does let me have.
I have said this time and time again, but you have to live with yourself. No one else does the way you do. You can physically move and change your surroundings but if you aren’t going to change your mind and heart, you might as well stay right where you are. I know I have more changing. More discomfort. But for now… I’m just content here and now.
I’m so happy, thankful and home.
Jacqui
I am so here for these check ins! We are fast approaching our 6 month mark, after a fast move abroad…and these posts (which I have kind of binged) have me thinking about my own check in. My blog has been dormant for awhile, but maybe it’s time to open it back up and write out these things…if for no other reason than putting it all in one place for me to come back to.
Anyhooo….back to you! I have really enjoyed reading you progression of finding and making your home. I think for so many – who don’t move/start over … the idea of having to make a home seems a bit foreign and maybe backwards. But I think the truth is….you really do have to work for it. And when you do, on man it is soo worth it !