30 Day Check-In: An Honest Recap of Moving to Chicago

It occurred to me during my 30 day review in my new role I needed to have the same 30, 60, 90 day review for my move. I tabled the thought until someone on Instagram suggested I do the same to see the growth and progression of the journey. All I have to say is this, it’s really muddy right now and I know I have to get through the mud to live clarity.

0-7 Days

I arrived at my new home on November 1st at exactly 12 pm and met my realtor for my key. I didn’t walk in until she was gone, I wanted that moment to be mine. We walked in, Eleanor skeptically sniffing around. I did a visual inspection and called a friend who wanted to see it. I called another friend who wanted to see it but they didn’t answer. It stung. I walked around the house again, hoping this time I would connect with the new place. I took a photo and approved of the sunlight and where I thought I’d place my plants. Still nothing. No excitement. No “this is home” or even a feeling of realness. Pushing all of that away I unpacked my car and aired up the mattress.

The house was what I thought it was going to be. Nothing more, nothing less. I hadn’t seen it due to the pandemic. It’s a two bedroom, three bath, fenced yard and garage townhome. The owner clearly bought it as an investment and didn’t care to touch up any of the paint or dents from the previous tenants. I spent the first week deep cleaning and washing stains off the wall. Perhaps I thought some sweat equity would make me connect with that feeling of home.

I went back to work the Thursday after having moved. My “office” is a foldable table in the loft area where I get a lot of natural light. Every time I went to buy a desk they sold out while it was in my cart so I just went with what was easiest. It’s hard to think about a less glamorous working space.

I ate Chipotle four times and went through the McDonald’s drive-thru every single day for a Diet Coke. Why? No matter where you live, those are consistent. I was craving consistency more than anything. I didn’t care if I spent my last cent between the two, I needed something familiar.

Summary: Nothing was wrong but nothing felt right. I spent most of that week trying to figure out basics. What are the grocery stores that offer pickup, gas stations, where is Target, etc. It felt like I was bogged down with a million mindless tasks taking all of my energy. I felt like I wasn’t advancing myself in the journey but rather stuck setting up my new life.

Feelings: Relief about the election being over, realizing that I was truly isolated and a jolt of reality that I was quite literally, not in Kansas anymore.

Days 7-14

I had my first therapy session that week. I spent most of it processing my shame of Kansas. For the first time in my life I was truly self conscious about my home state. It was also a lot to realize I was no longer in my “home.” I felt ashamed of the election results from my home state. Instead of pride of being from Kansas I felt like a fish out of water. Suddenly I felt like a country girl just trying to make it in the big city. A total imposter who didn’t have what it took to make it. Worse? An imposter everyone could see through.

It had been a week of micro frustrations. Ikea messed up my pick-up order that took an hour to wait in-store for. I couldn’t find Vanilla Coke Zero or Dr. Pepper 10 (apparently it isn’t sold in Illinois). In Kansas I had Freddy’s every Wednesday with my best friend and there’s no Freddy’s or best friend here. The house had no blinds in it, at all, so I spent half the week trying to hang curtains. I couldn’t find any drapes for the sliding door downstairs so I just felt so exposed.

The icing on the cake? This really crappy moment where I almost broke down in my car. What am I doing here? Have my friends forgotten about me? Instead of Thursday being my favorite I spent it spiraling downward and angrily staring at unhung drapes.

I had a brow, waxing and facial appointment scheduled before I moved. Knowing a state shutdown was coming I tried to get them scheduled as soon as possible. I sat downtown, drinking iced coffee I thought, “Wow, I’m here. I live here and did this, even parallel parking!” and then shivered with a smile on my face. Surrounded by strangers and cars whizzing past me, I had a sense of pride in myself. I took as much energy as I could absorb from the city. I people watched and felt myself assessing every style and outfit and what I wanted to take from this new city. A new “uniform” of black jeans, Golden Goose, a top and leather jacket began to emerge in my closet.

Summary: I was miserable, sitting in a cold, drafty, drape-less house angrily staring at the curtain rod I kept failing to install correctly by myself. On the other hand, I got to experience Chicago and fleeting moments of pride for what I did for myself.

Feelings: Lethargic, restless, sad, mournful with a touch of excitement and cautious optimism.

Days 14-21

I started watching the Mary Tyler Moore Show on a miserable Sunday afternoon. A struggling with WHY Sunday. You know the one, you try to exhaust yourself doing things but you can’t exhaust your brain. It felt like I did last November when I was sorting through the rubble of post-engagement. Have I even made any progress? I turned on Mary Tyler Moore and choked back tears when I hear the opening lyrics.

Love is all around, no need to waste it

You can have the town

Why don’t you take it?

You’re gonna make it after all

The lyrics are a comfort and a gut punch depending on the day. I can tell you if I had a Christmas list, this print of the lyrics would be at the top of it. OR! This incredible, incredible stationary.

I was finally able to get into a video routine with my friends. The hardest part was realizing I had to vocalize that I needed to see them. I’m still not good at it. I hate having to ask for their time. I missed them terribly but refused to say it as it made me feel weak. My mindset was you wanted this, you deal with what the fallout is and never show weakness. You get what you get and you don’t show any weakness might as well have been the mantra. I had to drop my pride and just say it, I miss you.

Eleanor was struggling throughout all of this so I started taking her to play care on Friday and Saturdays to help her socialize. Although a dog, Eleanor stepped up to take care of me best she can. Instead of keeping a polite distance she began hugging me and as it grew cooler, I noticed her shyly cuddling up to me in the middle of the night.

I got to meet up with a blog reader who moved to Chicago right when I did and I had my first pizza in Chicago! I love Parlor and got the Cheezus, Mary and Joseph with spicy pepperoni. 10/10 would recommend. Eating outdoors was a treat and having some face to face interactions did WONDERS for me!

I started doing hot takes on Saturday nights on Instagram and they were SO much fun! It felt like a super social night because I got to have 50+ conversations the entire night! I know some people don’t love it but it mentally helped me SO much. The best part was having other people say it was also helping them!

Summary: I related to Mary Tyler Moore than I have any TV character, including a love of hats. Talking to you guys on social media has really helped me feel less lonely and my dog is trying her hardest to be the best.

Feeling: Vulnerable, self-aware and self-conscious of every move I made, but suddenly also feeling really excited about the social interactions I was having.

Days 22-30

“I know I need to be here, but I don’t know why” sums up the feeling of this period. Truly I know I need to be here, but I don’t know why. I had another processing therapy session. It’s been an entire year of having to find myself. My frustration that this cycle will never end was overwhelming. But then I realized last November I was answering questions which brought me to this November. The idea I’m answering questions this November for November 2021 suddenly excited me!

I started sharing my therapy learnings on Instagram. I want you to always feel comfortable talking about hard things and I want to exemplify that. The thing is, yeah, I’m really tired of doing work on myself. But I know if I don’t know it now, it’s going to take 10x more work if I wait for 20 years to do it. Grief can happen even in good things. I wanted this move, but it also means grieving what was lost. My friendships aren’t the same. I wanted to set my life up in a new place and it be the exact same thing as it was before. I wanted this but I didn’t anticipate the change. You can want and not know how to anticipate what that want brings.

Remember the table that almost made me cry? Yeah, so I got a different table delivered. It was exactly what I wanted. And then it arrived. I hated it. I hated it so much I want to take a sledgehammer to the glass. It hadn’t even been in my house an hour before I called Crate and Barrel and told them to take it away. The table represented every bad brain day I’d had since moving. Thankfully the table was removed quickly and without sledgehammers involved.

Thanksgiving came and went. It was just a normal Thursday to me and that’s how I wanted it to be. Just Eleanor and I having a bonus day off. She and I went to the West Loop for a walk and had a lovely day. I don’t know if I want to ever acknowledge holidays again. They tend to make me miserable and quite frankly feel hollow to me. Perhaps that’s one of the things I choose to leave behind as I find out what Chicago Alissa really wants.

Summary: I acknowledged a grieving process and allowing myself to hold that I wanted this move and the pain that has come with it. Both are allowed to exist. Oh and I went multiple places without using Google Maps! Chicago feels like it’s staring at me, asking me to answer who I am before it can become home.

Feeling: Relief to be able to name the feelings I experienced. Sadness because I still don’t have my answer to WHY I’m here. A little tougher because I am allowing myself to acknowledge this move and life change is hard and I can do bad things.

What I didn’t mention is work is going really well. I had my 30 day goal review and I crushed them. Moving for this role was absolutely the right choice. I’m really fortunate I’ve had a long-line of strong women who have invested in me to set me up for this career path and I’m thank for them. It seems like an afterthought after I wrote 1,000 words above, but truly, thank you.

I’m hopeful the next 30 days will be even better, but if not, it doesn’t mean I’ve made a mistake moving here. It just means I need to to give myself a little grace during this gray period of life.