One of the biggest learnings of 2023 in my ADHD journey has been learning why processing small changes is just so hard for me. (Which is a real bummer because life is continually changing.) Organization changes. Grocery story re-organization. Eleanor and I’s walking path change. All of these happened, in varying scale, and tripped me. (The walking path was quite literal trip.) In a continual effort to see what “clues” point to my ADHD adult diagnosis, I decided to ask the question I didn’t think about asking. Why is change so hard for me?
Obviously, there’s the classic line “change is hard.” However, that isn’t what I wanted to know. Change is significantly harder for me when it’s small. Big changes I can process and try and move on, but smaller, seemingly insignificant changes to daily activities and structure continually trip me. Routine is tough for dopamine-seeking individuals because it’s simultaneously security and boredom and our brain toggles between which side we need to fuel.
Note: I continually evaluate and reevaluate if something is ADHD-centric or is basic human function. This area I do feel, after researching (medically-backed articles), this is something functionally harder for ADHD-ers and I identified ways my brain has to process changes.
ADHD Makes Minor Transitions Difficult
My insurance changed, without notification, my medication from brand-name to generic. Generic medications like this interact with your body differently. It took months to get used to Adderall. (Medication changes ripple into my fitness, social life and more). Now, without warning, it’s another medication adjustment. Coupled with a national shortage of the generic brand. The fact insurance can dictate the medication I’m on (they denied the first requested medication from my doctor and now it’s required to be a generic) grinds my gears.
Recent Examples of ADHD Minor Transitions Difficulty
- Every six or so weeks my gym routine changes, typically in small doses. The last check-in I had with my coach had new exercises every single day. First – it was exciting! New things are great for ADHD! Second reaction – scared. In 2022, pre-diagnosis, I found myself at the weight rack, crying because I was so afraid of the new exercises. Anxiety paralysis.
This last block I’ve walked into the gym and walked out. Not a walkout after being proud of trying new things. A walk out of panic. After walking out, I went to the safety of my Peloton and walking. But then I started a cycle of shame. I was ashamed I couldn’t handle the change and now the gym, a happy place, is a source of anxiety.
After a week of this, I’ve tried to do my best. Not say I’ll work on this tomorrow and use it as an excuse. But I’ve legitimately done my absolute best. Tonight I’ve blocked off my evening to be in the gym when I know no one else is there and try these exercises that scare me.
Am I angry it’s taking so long to get here? Yes. Am I seeing progress in how long it takes me to recognize these patterns? Yes.
Within this, I have a trifecta of ADHD, shame, and anxiety all circularly fueling each other. Some days it feels overwhelming to even think about the situation. On other days I have more fight to break the pattern. And there’s in-between days where I simply exist and can do my best without a mental battle happening.
- Anxiety over the Adderall supply, including generic, has me in a scarcity mindset. (And has since I was diagnosed last fall.) Should I take it today?! Am I running low? How much concentration should I have to not take it? Should I call a different CVS today and see what their stock level is? I’m hypervigilant in a way I don’t want to be, it’s involuntary.
Today’s a better day. It’s the day I’m able to talk about feeling underwater. Now I feel like I’ve broken through the surface and can freely breathe. The proverbial and literal one-foot-in-front-of-the-other is the only way to process these changes and the exercises that scare me. So that’s just what I’ll do and tomorrow I’ll learn more about myself on my ADHD journey. ❤️
Jan
I know exactly what you mean! So much shame when it is the small changes that cause so much distress. How do you explain to someone how crippling it can be when it looks so minor? It’s been so fascinating learning about myself post-diagnosis.