Last week I wrote this caption on an Instagram post. For the first time in my life, I have a healthy relationship with my body. And now I feel like a foreigner in it. Wondering why I’ve been working so hard to achieve my goals, breaking cycles of body shame and dysmorphia, and now… for what?
I do not want children. It’s not for me. I know myself, my goals, hopes and the reality that I want to be a selfish person with my time and money and have no intentions on losing that luxury. What I want is a future that cannot be destroyed by someone else. I cannot be forced into something that isn’t right for me. I want the autonomy to be able to know and advocate for myself in the way only I know is right for me. What I DID want was for my goal weight to be mine and not to be the weight that Plan B is most effective for. I was once working out for myself and now I am working out for my life and survival.
What was once my narrative is now lost to survival.
What was once work for the future is the fight for now.
All of my life I’ve never connected with the moments everyone else was having.
I wanted to want it. I really did. I spent more time trying to convince myself I wanted something then I did enjoying it.
When everyone wants short words, I want to write long form thoughts about life, friendships, relationships and personal growth.
When they want it fast, I want it slow. A photo freezing time instead a video speeding up time. I want to be able to look and see exactly that moment and close my eyes and go back into my own mind, a memory just for myself. Staring down the lens of a camera, behind and in front I’ve felt my most self.
This year when I was asked if I wanted children in a medical setting I said no. I felt a weight lift off me. They asked me again and I said it with even more conviction. I cut them off when they started to tell me “Well most women….”
Instead of feeling shame for not connecting to the moments everyone else seemingly was having, I was proud because I realized how much work I had done to get to that exact moment. To truly know what was right for me.
I’ve had a lot of writer’s block this year because I just have been learning so much. I often struggle with wanting things to have a bow so I can write a nice paragraph at the end of why something matters.
But the thing is, I could tie a bow with my words in 6 weeks I would need to rewrite it because a new one was being created.
I feel a lot of bows being created right now but also the excitement that I know more will come. 🤍
Your church members have gotten an abortion. IVF is possible because of Roe vs Wade. Your leaders who say it’s none of their business have gotten them. Your political leader affairs will always have access to safe abortions. A miscarriage requires an abortion.
You do not have the right to decide my future. You make not like it. I may not like your choices. But you do not get to dictate what my future looks like. You do not get to have your freedom and talk about how great this country is while trying to take away my existence.
If you wanted me to feet gutted, hopeless and worried about my future, you won. You really won. I watch my friend’s daughters and am terrified that they, and we, have less rights than our grandmothers did. A gun has more value than I do. Literally. There are more ways to defend having something that can kill me than having my own autonomy.
I don’t know where to go from here. I am shattered. I already was struggling with how do I write on my platform as we watched America in its flop era. I don’t know where we go from here exactly. But – I do know we fight. We fight hard, we vote and we resist. ✊
AB
very eloquently stated. I truly don’t have the words for the situation we find ourselves in. this is… unconscionable. love to you.