I’ve been with my current therapist during one of the most intense years of my life. She’s seen the good, the bad and the broken. She’s taught me how to sit with myself and learn what it is the pain is teaching me. My therapist has also given me a 1-2 punch to my gut when I have to answer questions that I know will help me breakthrough. I hate it when I’m like, “Ooof, that hurts.” and I know it’s exactly what I need.
Therapy Doesn’t Feel Good When You’re Doing Hard Work
I have never had a therapy session yet where I don’t have a headache after. I’ve heard this is a thing SOME people are able to not have one. I feel an emotional release I can’t get anywhere else. And it hurts. Like, really bad. Even if it’s a “light” day in therapy I’ve found the relief often leaves me with an emotional hangover. You’re doing really hard work and reaching into some of the most intimate and hard moments of your life. Your core. Who you are stripped down. At our healthiest, my relationship with my therapist is one of the most vulnerable ones I have.
If you feel great after therapy, that’s great. But please don’t think you’re always going to walk out feeling “healed.” Your therapist isn’t your fixer. You are. They are there to help you do the work for yourself. No one else knows what you need more than you. Listen to that and lean into your therapist.
Do Not Avoid Disclosing
There was a huge moment for me, six months into therapy. The wedding had been called off, I was healing and we were moving onto other territory. Then I dropped a bombshell. My therapist very kindly asked me why in our relationship I didn’t feel I could disclose this. I realized at this moment I had done a disservice to both of us. Not only did we have to work backwards but there had been some questions that this non-disclosed thing quickly answered.
Your therapist is there for you. Trust them. It may take a while, but don’t hold out vital information for fear of judgement. As my therapist as said, “We’re not here to judge what you’ve done in the past.” My one wish for therapy is that I would have told her it sooner.
Healing is Not Linear and Has No Timeline
I wanted my therapist and I to follow a timeline. We would have exactly XX sessions and then we’d be at XX point, be healed and move past it. Instead, a year later I still visit topics from our first session. I felt like I should be “past” them. Unfortunately grief is not linear and doesn’t follow my timeline. I thought I was past so many things but then I would find myself drifting back to them in therapy as I continued the try to resolve them.
Therapy Can Feel Messy
This last lesson really brings all of the above home. In addition to feeling like you have an emotional hangover, not on a timeline, etc. Therapy can feel messy. And why wouldn’t it? First, you are being your absolute most vulnerable. Second, you are dealing with messy topics that can feel like your chest is being ripped apart.
Some therapy sessions go all the way back to childhood and focus on the lessons or messages I took in during that time. Others focus on my current state. It can feel discombobulating to go back and forth. So many issues coming out at once. Somehow you can be healing and breaking at the same time. It’s hard. It’s easy to understand why some avoid dealing with these issues all their lives. But I want to stop the cycle of negative behaviors I’ve learned.
Sometimes therapy feels like you’ve regressed 10 sessions and others make you proud of how far you’ve come. In summary, it’s messy, complex and so are you. Therapy is the one place you for sure don’t need to feel like you have it together.
It’s been year one of what I hope to be many, many years with my therapist. I’m very proud of the work that has been done to remove the stigma of reaching out for help, but we have much more work to do. If you are struggling, please know there is no shame in asking for help.
Victoria Conner
Sooo insightful. You make so much sense, I really like the parts about there is no timeline and you can leave not feeling healed. It is work. Thank you.
Lydia
I do feel like the most important take away from therapy is that you have to do the work, and on those days between sessions, you can’t ignore what you still need to be working on. I found that I like to ask my therapist to give me homework and hold me accountable so each week we aren’t just picking up in the exact same place we left off. I know I have so much hard work to do, hopefully I start to feel like I’m making progress soon.
Kell
I’ve been seeing my therapist for 7 years now. 8 years ago I was widowed, and it took a year to dig myself out of the hole enough to even be able to get help about it. My therapist is wonderful, and it ebbs and flows. Last year, I was finally at the point where I was only checking in with him every three months. Now it’s back to every two weeks, because *gestures broadly at 2020*. We’ve talked about everything, from grieving to childhood stuff to relationship stuff to what to do with my career or how to have a conversation with my boss that I need to have, to what aspirations I want to reach for… It’s often very hard. I don’t get headaches after therapy, but I will often have other symptoms of an emotional hangover and feel worse for the day after therapy than I did before, but it always helps me steer my life into a better place in the long run.
A
I picked my therapist based on a gut feeling, and she was absolutely the right choice for me. I feel like she’s someone I could be friends with in real life, so it’s been easier to trust her with some of the hard stuff. One of the things we’ve been discussing lately (post break-up) has been that I’m on a upward spiral… I’m going through the same shit but on a different level. It’s been helpful when I feel like I’m not making any progress through the pain and other feelings.
Karly
Therapy should be free. Period. I think everybody at some point in their lives could benefit from reaching out for help, but not all can afford it. You’re right that there’s zero shame in asking for help and that therapy only works if you’re 100% open/transparent with your therapist. Good for you for putting the work in.
Karly
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