Note: I have asked the permission to share these stories and names, any likeness or identification has been removed. Thank you for making Honestly Relatable a safe place for all of us.
In the fall of 2019, I felt like almost all relationships were a lie. Not only had my own ended, but in the dismantling of it, my illusions and understanding of the relationships I respected, adored and almost idolized had an irreparable crack. I was processing my own grief and sort of “where do I go from here” but also felt like I had a double-whammy of shock. When I started sharing my second-thoughts about getting married, it opened a door to conversations with women that gave me courage to listen to my gut, but discouraged me from the concept that there really is such a thing as true love.
Do Not Be Afraid of Being Alone – Being Alone in a Relationship is Worse
I think, more than any other lesson, these conversations had the same theme woven throughout. You can be alone even when you’re in a relationship and it’s worse than being physically alone. Most of these women had children, some from previous relationships. The idea of being damaged goods made them feel inherently worthy of less and thus, they quickly found something they thought accepted their situation. The fear of being alone clouded their judgement so much they ignored every red flag, caution sign and opportunity to exit the relationship.
Years later, they said they would be better off alone, but they just weren’t willing to be strong enough for themselves. It felt too hard and too unknown to continue down the path. (This reminds me of this post, embrace your extra self.) It was heartbreaking to realize that dissolving or resolving their marriage felt too far gone. They either had too much invested in the partnership to give it up or so much damage there was nothing to put back together. Just simply two people not wanting to be physically alone, but not sharing a life together.
The Only Person You Should Worry about Disappointing is Yourself, Not Your In Laws
“I had second thoughts. I wanted to cancel the wedding. But I couldn’t disappoint my future in-laws, I loved them so much, even more than their son.” 10/15/25 years later, they wish they would have disappointed the heck out of them. They wish they would have been true to themselves and walked away. Now they feel stuck. And they look back at the pangs in their guts they ignored and realized the only person they should have been worried about was themselves. The sting? Even the in-laws have said they were disappointed and worse, the women were disappointed in themselves.
Years later, no one is happy and everyone is disappointed.
Find Yourself First, Then A Partner
Most of the women I talked to cited getting married young (before 25) as one of the issues they and their partners had grown apart. They got married, found each other but not themselves. Independent of their relationships they couldn’t describe who they are and what they want. So much depends on a their partner, yet they weren’t working towards anything together.
Being single is a gift, treat it as such. Take the time to learn who you are and what you want. Find who you are and you will attract the right people to you. If you’re looking to find a partner, find your self-partnership first.
Find Yourself Interesting
If you aren’t even into yourself, how is someone else going to be? For those that said they were on the upside of the unhappiness, they said a lot of pulling themselves out of it was finding themselves interesting. Admittedly, many sought attention in various external ways to feel interesting, but until they found out what interested them internally, it all felt vapid.
How they found themselves interesting was their own unique path. Some went back to school, changed careers and started new hobbies. But, the key thing they said was most important is that they admitted they needed to find themselves interesting and tired many things until something stuck.
A Baby Fixes Nothing
I didn’t think anyone thinks babies make things better? Wellllll was I in for a shock when I heard they genuinely thought it would make bad things good. Multiple people had babies during unhappy times on their relationships. Multiple people regretted it. They loved their child, but it placed long-term strain on their already jeopardized relationship.
A. Baby. Fixes. Nothing.
I don’t really know how to close this. There’s sort of no finality to this sort of post. I’m thankful for these women who helped me realize I was headed down a path I would regret, but I’m sad they helped me because they didn’t take the chance to leave. I’m proud of those women that knew they were unhappy but also realized happiness lies within themselves.
