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I had one of those lifetime movie childhoods. The one with the unfortunate circumstances and abuse. I was a quiet kid who read a lot and clung to academics as my future way out. I was essentially raised by teachers, the system, and myself. I was a foster kid who aged out of the system and both my birth parents were adopted so I had no exposure to my heritage, no knowledge of where I really came from. Above all, I had no sense of belonging. As a young adult, this lack of belonging manifested itself in a variety of ways from marrying too young, having a family too young, seeking acceptance by attaining perfection in all that I did. It was never enough.
In my late 20’s my birth mother found me wanting to see me and talk with me. I met with her and discovered she had ovarian cancer and wanted me to get the genetic testing. She passed months later, but I did do the testing. This led to my renewed interest in who I am and where I come from. By the time I reached my 30s, I was ready to know. I signed up for Ancestry testing, spit in the tube, and sent it on its way, not knowing what would come of it.
I am of Ashkenazi and Middle Eastern Jewish descent. Reading that line was indescribable. It was wonderous and affirming and dizzying all at the same time. I was already something of an amateur scholar of Jewish history, having been inexplicably drawn to this topic throughout my life. To know this interest came from a molecular level was almost magical. I began to study and reach out to resources on Judaism, to immerse myself in my birthright. It was like finally coming home to a place my weary soul never could have imagined. And yet, this joy was offset by the unfortunate reality of persistent antisemitism, especially in the Midwest.
I live in Kansas. I know only a handful of fellow Jews and the local temple culture is exceedingly difficult to enter so there isn’t much a local community. In addition, I learned that many people who were my friends actually harbored anti-Semitic beliefs. I remember very clearly when the company Shein came under fire for marketing swastika necklaces and t-shirts that strongly resembled the Nazi Youth symbolism. A friend posted on her social media how proud she was of her enormous Shein haul. When confronted, she did not express any remorse. When a white supremacist group attacked the capitol wearing “camp Auschwitz” clothing and waving nazi flags, still nothing was said.
And yet, my city is full of self-proclaimed “activists”. These groups and individuals do not include anti-Semitic racism in their activism and even at times perpetuate it further. There is one group in particular here in Wichita that does excellent work with BIWOC and homelessness but will argue publicly that the privilege light-skinned Jews receive before it is known that they are indeed Jewish negates their experience as an oppressed minority, somehow cancelling it out. When discussing white supremacy and the danger it poses to all non-white groups, Jews are left out of the discussion entirely. It is equally as dangerous on the politically left as it is the right, with every one of the idolized Squad (except Ayanna Pressley) supporting anti-Semitic legislature and the BDS agenda. Though our philosophies such as living Tikkun Olam aligns us most often with the left, we are rejected as being “too white” while the right rejects us because we are not white enough. Not only is this no-win idealogy harmful to Jews as a whole, but it also completely dismisses the experience of those who are not ashkenazi (traditionally lighter skinned due to their place in the diaspora) such as the Mizrahi or other ethnic divisions. It also completely dismisses that we biologically originate from Judea, our namesake, in the middle east prior to the diaspora or that the diaspora occurred because of millennia of genocide and ethnic cleansing.
There is no safe place for us politically, socially, or otherwise.
Imagine finding yourself only to discover that the world not only hates what you are in your blood but can’t even admit to themselves that they do and that they don’t even understand why they do. Imagine that nearly every day you have to read specialty news outlets to even read about “Jewish issues” because the mainstream news doesn’t think stabbings on the subway or memorial desecrations are worthy of airtime. Imagine posting so much on social media to bring awareness to your acquaintances only to find that their indifference to this particular kind of suffering and racism essentially shouts louder than their voices could have if they had said something, anything. Imagine wearing being afraid to travel while wearing your David Magen necklace. Imagine people trying to convert you because they do not accept your faith, especially in a place as red as Kansas. Imagine talking to your children about how people may treat them and how to stay safe. Imagine seeing people all around you in this time of racial awakening finally standing up for injustices to other groups only to turn to you and tell you to sit down and shut up.
I am a proud Zionist, Jewish woman. I stand firm in my heritage and I find belonging and acceptance in it. I find peace in the philosophies and rituals. When I light the candles and keep Shabbat, I think of every Jewish woman before me who has kept these traditions going through thousands of years of persecution and I feel connected to them. When I fulfil tikkun olam through mitzvahs and striving to be a decent human being in general, my heart beats with every other Jewish person who has kept this humanity-based faith (secular Jews are Jews too) despite everything going on around them in every time period which surely should have caused them to lose their ideals and indeed their faith in humanity. But they persisted. And so do I.
I recently read Ben Freeman’s new book Jewish Pride: Rebuilding a People. “… We can form a buffer from it by educating, inspiring, and empowering Jewish people all over the world to feel pride in their Jewishness. To not be afraid of identifying as Jewish. To not be afraid of prioritizing the Jewish people in progressive activism. To recognize the incredible beauty and diversity in the Jewish people, while not being afraid to help Jewishness and Judaism evolve…”
In a way, my journey to my Jewishness is very much representative of what it is to be a Jew in general, to withstand hardships and ongoing journeys that may not be easy but they are certainly rewarding. To find yourself while the whole world tries to make you into something else, tugging at you to assimilate, assimilate. And though it is a journey and a hardship, in my Jewishness, wherever I am, I’m home.
-AB
AB
i’m so honored to be featured and given a voice in this community! thank you a million times over!