I’ve loved starting a new decade. The 30s are so much better than 20s, but there’s some key differences. I don’t feel the freedom to put anything off. Nor to waste time, is the greatest blessing. I’ve noticed as I’ve been 30 is slowly but surely, I have fewer BIG life decisions to make. Instead, they feel like they are being made for me. I’m just a tad less in charge of my own decisions while simultaneously having all the control.
It was a few days before my 30th birthday. I was bathroom scrolling on Instagram and an ad caught my eye. It was something along the lines of, consider donating eggs now because once you’re 30 no one wants them. I would readily admit if that was dramatic, but it’s truly the intent of the ad, even calling out that they only wanted eggs from women 29 and under.
Suddenly, the narrative changed, life shifted.
I felt a little less in control of my own destiny yet also more in control than I used to be in other areas. It used to be, “I’ll consider that later” or something like “I don’t think that’s for me” when it came to life choices. I realized, sitting on the toilet, at some point, I’ll no longer have these choices to make, they will be made for me.
When did that narrative change?
My Priorities
This one I should have been coming. However, I did not. A very rough therapy session brought this out. “Alissa, you wanted to be a very different person and have worked hard. How did you expect to have the same priorities?” In my classic form, I expected to be able to do exactly everything I always have while just adding more. I suppose the pandemic is that clear marker of where my priorities shifted, but as we slowly ease back into whatever the next phase of life is, I’m having an internal conflict between what was and what is.
Somehow starting a new decade, a new home, dog, job and a global pandemic in the last year didn’t register to me that I would have a life-shift of priorities. (Okay even I laugh at myself because I just had to type all of the “big” changes just then.) Anyway, in a way they make me feel really old. Like, I’m less about rushing and being in momentum and instead focusing on long-term, methodical goals. That’s such an exciting narrative shift, but I feel myself needing to mourn leaving that previous sort of lifestyle.
I am thankful for this narrative shift, but am mourning what it means to leave what served previous me to allow for current me to grow.
My Fertility
I’ve gone back and forth with partners on this. One wanted some, one didn’t. I swung between the two. It felt so far off, I would cross that bridge when I came to it. With the partner I did think about having kids with, I could see having the kid, but I couldn’t ever see saying, “This is what I want.” Reflecting on that period, I think what I wanted was to create a sense of belonging and purpose and motherhood is what I saw others find this in.
The thing though was that I was in the drivers seat for those discussions.
I’m 30. Single. Probably not really willing to date anyone this year, so let’s say I meet someone next year. Odds aren’t high we end up together long-term enough to get married. Based on my track record, we need to date for at least four years. That puts me, kindly, at 35-36. Right when doctors write you off as a geriatric pregnancy who is high risk and going to be in a wheelchair at graduation.
Now for me, this doesn’t really scare me. My parents had me in their 40s, and one after me, after a slew of kids before us. I know it’s possible, but suddenly I’m hitting the “wisdom” part of life. I feel like I’m slowly transitioning from the drivers seat to ride alongside life as it answers for me.
Advertising is trying to convince me to measure my fertility. That I need to make sure I don’t run out the clock. What they fail to remember is there’s more than one clock and I’m not on their timeline.
My Career
“You know, it’s kind of like not cute to show up to work with a messy ponytail and no thought. We’re like in our 30s now, get your life together. ” My best friend and I were talking on our usual Sunday night video call about things that just aren’t cute anymore. Maybe they weren’t ever, but we were right-out-of-college professionals who saw people in their 30s with their command of a conference call as a sign of being old. Oh sorry, “professional” or “wise” or whatever we were told. The intent was the same.
I’m currently hiring an intern. Boy, nothing else I’ve done has made me more aware of where I am in my career compared to a college student. It feels like not that long ago. On the other hand, when interviewing and asking questions I go oh, yeah, you definitely think I’m in my 30s. The tables have turned and I’m on the host seat. I open the door now.
Now this is a life moment I like. While I never knew I was working towards this moment, this is the life decision I like. I’m trading that green, unbridled energy for calm, strong decision-making and a better awareness of my work boundaries and where my energy should be spent.
Some narrative changes are nice to see how far you’ve come.
My Friendships
“You know, I think at some point you have to let friendships ebb and flow.” so said my best friend during our Sunday night video call. (We talk about a LOT of stuff on those calls.) I was talking about a friend who I couldn’t decided didn’t have the resources to engage in our relationship as frequently or just didn’t want to make it a priority. Similarly, I was deciding if the issue was my engagement in the situation.
Regardless of who was/wasn’t engaging, I took a step back and absorb those words. We all have our own worlds and our attention and emotionally energy is being pinged a million different ways, every single day. It makes me want to fight harder to be visible in some relationships because the thought of them wavering brings me to tears.
I guess, life does give you many opportunities to let a relationship dissolve. Many take that out when its presented. Which makes me even more thankful for my friends. The ones that I’ve had for half my life. The ones that have seen it all.
But despite those, there’s others that have naturally dissolved. No malice, no intent. Not even really a compelling reason other than they were there and then they weren’t. Life kind of just got in the way and it wasn’t a priority to get around that roadblock.
The narrative of a relationship is always unique because it requires two and there’s three decision makers that can end them. You, life or the other person.
Whenever I write posts like this I wonder if I’ll search for it late at night when I am doing something I talk about not being for me or wondering if it’ll happen. But the thing is, those moments may never happen. I may never look back at the posts about being single and wondering if I have a partner out there, because there isn’t. And I have to live a life that is okay if there is and if there isn’t.
That’s the narrative I do get to choose.
How I handle life, one narrative change at a time.
Drew
Last May after a canceled honeymoon my husband and I started to try to have a baby. I was not too worried because I was 34 and so many woman have babies in their 30’s. But after 6 months of trying and not getting pregnant I went to a fertility specialist at the suggestion of my pcp. Unfortunately found out that I have premature ovarian deficiency and have low Anti-Müllerian Hormone (there is currently no cure for this). I wish I knew about my body and fertility and had some hormone tests done. Anyone one with a uterus who plans on having biological kids or at least wants the option to have them may want to think about getting a hormone test. Had I had a better understanding of my body (society has taught us the women’s bodies are gross and shameful and should not be talked about) maybe I would have made different decisions. Modern Fertility makes a at home hormone test. I haven’t used it personally but I would have had I known about it.
Anna C
This is so interesting!! I’ve actually had the opposite feeling in my thirties, that I’ve been more empowered to make my own choices, instead of just letting life propel me the way I did in my twenties. Hopefully you (and I) are able to build a life that’s rich & satisfying, however we get there!
heebie-geebie
Take this with a grain of salt – I really admire your journey and think you’re quite capable of navigating these questions! But one thing that helped me significantly when I was your age was to think through the idea of whether or not I would want to have and raise a child as a single parent. (I’m old – this is 15+ years ago.)
Basically, I decided yes – I definitely wanted to have a child, and I would be happy to have a child and raise them on my own, and I picked an age when I would like to do so. This helped me not assign all this extra dependence to the process of finding a partner. Becoming a parent and finding a spouse were two different things, and I was okay if they coincided or if they did not coincide. (I was working with a therapist to navigate all this!)
In the end, life unfolded, and they did coincide. But I was freed up enormously to take my time finding a partner once I owned the idea that I will have a child either way.
I’m not saying you should have a child! I’m just saying that these can be separate questions – would I like a child? is this person someone I would like to have a permanent relationship with? – and untethering them was very helpful for me.
Alissa
I LOVE this perspective and those questions I actually put into a notebook that is special to me because I think this will give me a LOT of clarity!
Karly
As always, you are able to articulate feelings that so many of us have but don’t know how to communicate! Fertility pressures are definitely something I’m feeling a lot these days – at 32, both sides of my family are looking at me like WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I would love to scream out loud that there’s more than one timeline, and when it comes to having a child (whether biological or not) where there’s a will, there’s a way. Not sure if that makes sense, but hopefully you get what I mean. I also couldn’t agree with you more on friendships at this stage in life – some are meant to last forever, others only for a season with no reason for a falling out.