My Actions are Learning and Change

Note: This and Thursday’s blog post will most likely be the last blog posts for the month of June. I urge you to use the time you would have spent reading to challenge yourself and grow. Please let me know what you will be doing with this time so we can share and grow together.

I went to my incredible friend Sarah’s yard this week to distance and talk. She said to me, “We do see color and we celebrate it. I’m white. My husband is Hispanic and my daughter is black.” I don’t want to be color-blind, I want to be color proud. Watching that moment when she was saying this reminded me that even my attempts to work on racism need to listen to things like this. And so I sat back and watched the beauty of a family that celebrates diversity create a wonderful world for their daughter to exist in.

I cannot influence someone in good conscious if I have not influenced myself to be a better person. I don’t know if we even know how to navigate a world where all of this can exist and it doesn’t mean someone is hurt by a post that isn’t about an issue they are dealing with. I have edited and re-written this blog post because every word I am wanting to make sure I say the right thing. I’m going to mess up and I am very sorry for that.

To be honest I don’t know when its right for me to blog about lighter things again. I don’t know when it’s okay to talk about some new and exciting things in my life. I don’t know and please know I don’t in any way want to take away from anything that is happening. I think it’s okay for me to take a backseat and listen and not have to be vocal about it.

What I’m Working On

I grew up in a black and white thinking mindset. It’s served me very well, protected me and also held me back I have been told. I am not a person who sees gray and I’ve learned the world exists in many colors, shapes and hues. My black and white thinking box has helped me make very good decisions but has limited me in understanding opportunities there are to make a possibly different decision that could also be good for me. It is very, very, very uncomfortable for me to be aware this mindset needs to change, but discomfort is how you grow. Exercises like this will trip me for days because I can’t find that middle. Black and white thinking is attributed to childhood trauma and tends to reveal itself in highly anxious people (hiiiii!).

I’m also working on understanding what in my life would be different if I was born any other color. During discussions of feminism and equality I often play these out but it’s been far too long since I’ve really thought, “Would I be here?”

The biggest thing I am doing is I’m listening. I’ve delayed all blog posts for the rest of the month. I am not on social media because I’m using that time to try to have the discussions and also read. I found this really amazing thesis that I’ve been pouring over during my breaks at work. Reading perspectives that are not my own is how I am using my voice. I believe right now it’s not my time to talk, but to absorb and support.

There are many wonderful accounts to follow, but the one that has been most beneficial for me is this one. She has an incredible way challenging my perspective to make me aware of privilege, even when I scroll on Instagram.

If you are looking for free streaming resources to also learn, check this out. Family movie night should look a little different this week. Just Mercy will be streaming on all platforms this month.

I want to extend an incredible thank you to my closest friends who are having incredibly hard conversations with myself and others. I know they are draining, I know they are hard. They are also incredibly vulnerable to ask scary questions and thank you for creating that safe place for all of us.

I would also like to thank my therapist, who will never see this, for spending an extra hour with me as I grappled with what feels trivial, whether or not to continue publishing on the blog. Your time and understanding you’ve put into understanding what this silly website means to me made me feel very seen. I hope I can extend this to others.