Getting Through the “Firsts” After a Break Up

You know those firsts after a break up. The first Christmas, birthday, Valentine’s Day, anniversary or something special you used to do together. The days that you used to spend together. Those firsts after a break up suck. And if you’ve ever been through a break up, you know exactly what I’m talking about. My break up was before the holiday season which also leads into my birthday, then Valentine’s Day so it’s been four months of “firsts” to get over. I didn’t have time to build up even more stress in my head about what it would be like. I dove in head first and decided to ask myself “What is this experiencing teaching me?”

So here’s what I’ve learned about those firsts after a break up. Plus some thoughts I shouldn’t put on the internet but that’s never stopped me before.

Those Firsts Aren’t Insurmountable

First of all, those firsts are going to probably be as painful as you think, but also reveal the healing that you’ve done. I was very fortunate that I was in a very good emotional and mental place, but I still felt pain. I thought that when I walked into the holidays alone I was going to get those patronizing sympathy eyes. “Bless her heart.” is what I thought I was going to feel they were all saying.

Those that didn’t know the full story give give me those looks. I absolutely used that patronizing to say that I didn’t want to discuss anything. Those that knew viewed me in a way I think they never have, in a stronger, more mature way. As the baby sister I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m never quite a real adult in the family. The break up solidified that I’m not just the baby anymore, I’m an adult in charge of my destiny.

Before every holiday I sat in my car and told myself that I could do this, took a deep breath and remembered how far I’d come. And sometimes I had to repeat that in the midst of those firsts. But guess what? I survived it and so can you, whatever that first is.

Be Comfortable With Yourself First

I realized at a certain point, the reason the “firsts” alone were because I wasn’t comfortable being fully who I am in those situations. I wanted that second person there to help ease any social anxiety or use them almost as my crutch to lean on. Suddenly I felt exposed and unable to literally lean on someone during the holiday season.

There’s a beautiful moment of going to something by yourself. Movies, parties, dinner. It’s a bold statement to others around you that you are perfectly fine with living out your life, exactly where you are. There’s no waiting on someone else to come in and start helping you live your life. Honestly the only person you can count on is you being there for yourself.

Don’t wait for partner to magically make your life worth living. You only have today and you showing up for yourself.

One Day, One Moment, One Thing at a Time

I’ve talked about how I had to take things sometimes minutes at a time during the break up. I had to go back to those moments when I was trying to navigate a lot of these firsts. I am a very long-term person who struggles with the short-term goals. Becoming aware of what I needed right NOW instead of 10 years down the road has been hard for me. It requires me to actually acknowledge where I am and what I need.

Tell Someone It’s Hard and You’re Sad

This is one that I am mostly writing from me, to me. I don’t like feeling like I’m “burdening” someone by sharing my feelings. Of course if someone else said this to me I would say that is preposterous. It is. Tell someone how you’re feeling. You don’t have to talk about it but just knowing that someone else knows you are apprehensive or having a hard time with a “first” helps tremendously.

Trust me, as someone who recently has gone through all those “firsts” after a break up, you can do this. You have to dig into the strength that maybe you don’t know you have, but it’s there and you can do it.

Love, Alissa