I’m not intentionally quiet about dating and love on the blog. The truth is that it’s been the source of a lot of internal work, learnings and something I’ve wanted to hold close. The last year, specifically since living downtown Chicago, I’ve had a lot of opportunities to continually check-in with myself about dating.
The truth, which I’ve said to dates across the table as we talk about the next potential meeting (or not), is that I’ve yet to find something worth disturbing my personal peace for.
Perhaps it’s my single woman algorithm, but the internet is obsessed with dating. Good or bad. Whether you love or hate dating, there’s think pieces for you to deal with every possible issue you didn’t know you had with your mom or dad and that’s why you do/don’t want to date. There’s a million different apps that specialize in a niche. Once you search one app you get a million suggestions and the endless sea of opportunity is enough to overwhelm even the most seasoned dater and throw their phone in Lake Michigan.
I still don’t have my manifesto on dating. I can’t write about something I don’t have at least a foundation to build on. It’s been a low priority for me, but never fully off my radar. Which is why I probably have bits and pieces of how I feel about dating, but never the full picture.
What I do know is that every few months I get just a little bit more clarity around what does and doesn’t feel right. And honestly? That’s exactly what I need right now, nothing more, nothing less.
Dating Apps vs Happenstance
I’ve now downloaded Bumble, Hinge and Match.com. The longest I’ve managed to have an app on my phone has been one week. I hate apps. Not for the reasons many do. Dating apps put me into a terrible mental state that makes me hyper-aware of myself and calculate every single move. I don’t enjoy games. If I want to text you or see you I’m going to do that. We’re all reduced into vague generalities for easier sorting for a machine that has hopes you’ll get so frustrated you pay for the premium memberships.
I realize I sound jaded, I am. For good reason. I’m jaded about anything that makes me feel I’ve wasted my time on meaningless conversations about my day where one person has to carry the entire conversation. There are good things that can come from it. I went on three dates with a man and then a good first date with another. I felt myself veering into jaded territory, pinpointed the trigger and removed myself from the situation.
Was there anything wrong with these people?
No. Well, one had a thing but I can’t really say it was wrong.
(Ask me about that story after two glasses of wine and I’d love to share.)
Here’s the thing. I love meeting someone organically that I click with. It immediately removes the song and dance. You can find out how they banter with you. You read their face and see if this is a connection or just a Thursday night at the restaurant. The energy flows. Even if it’s not a true connection, that happenstance-meeting will power me for weeks. 10 minutes or 10 hours, it gives me hope some people really will vibe with me and the world really can arrange for a meet-cute, main character moment.
I’m extremely fast to swipe left on an app. I look to see if my deal breakers are these, if they are pass. On an app I have nothing to go on but a few photos and pleasantries. The men that I’ve encountered that have given me this energy I most likely would have swiped left on due to preconceived notions. Honestly while I say I know what I’m looking for (tall, not bald, no kids) I’m also aware that most things I think I know perfectly are better when I just let the universe sort of handle because they turn out better.
I’m also aware because I have worked for this peace, that I am at a luxury point where I don’t find the need to integrate someone into my life. I say luxury because to feel this peace in my own company feels lux. There’s a weight to my own time, the curation of what I want to be. Some just want to not be alone with their thoughts. Neither is necessarily wrong, just two different ways to approach dating.
I firmly believe the universe will take care of me until I arrive at the moment I decide I’m ready for something more intentional, less meet-cute and more meet-me-here-at-7.
My Beliefs about Dating and Making it Work
I meant what I said, I don’t believe in games.
If they want to, they’ll find a way.
So will you.
We (I) tend to overcomplicate dating. It’s hard, but don’t just give into that troupe and make it feel as if you must “endure” something.
Be transparent about your intentions to both the other person and yourself.
Text someone when you want to. Read the room to see if this is a conversation worth carrying on, but stop trying to find the perfect timing.
You are not too much for the right person.
Everyone brings baggage into a relationship, that’s called life. I do not tolerate mess. Baggage vs mess and be discerning about what you are bringing.
Every day I inch closer and closer to my belief that the universe has my back. It also has an even bigger love story than I can imagine for myself. I take comfort in that. As long as I am truly focusing on what is best for myself and making good decisions, it’s going to happen. The rest will take care of itself.
Anna
“You are not too much for the right person.”
This. 100% this. I recently started a relationship with someone, and in contrast to my previous relationship, there are no eggshells. There are no forbidden topics. I am not too much. He thinks I’m incredible just as I am.
I really believe that anything can happen if you’ve done the work (which you are continuing to do) and are open to possibilities (which you also are), so I wish that for you, that you will get your epic love story. ❤
hmbalison
I just celebrated my 35th wedding anniversary. On a dating app, I would never have chosen my husband. He wouldn’t have chosen me, either. On our first date, I went through my “list” of what I thought I wanted in a boyfriend. He met none of the criteria. Did he like music? No. Was he close to his family? No. Was he a reader? No. Physically he had a lot of body hair–a no in my book. On his end, he asked if I liked and play sports. No. Was I an adventurous traveler? No. The only thing we had in common was that we didn’t like coffee or tea. THAT’S IT! So, why did we go on a second date? Well, we’d been introduced to each other by a mutual friend who knew us both very well. My husband said he saw a spark in me and he wanted to know more. What we eventually discovered–and what has sustained us over the last 35 years–is that we have the same values regarding loyalty, honesty, trust, love, and commitment. We are very, very different, but we allow each other to be different. Our foundation is that we love, respect, and trust one other. We’ve found mutual interests to share, and we are both curious about the world. If I’d relied on an app, I would have missed out on the love of my life. I think you are wise to go your own way and navigate connecting with someone and inviting them into your life on your own terms. It’s hard to go against the tide of what everyone else is doing, but what I’ve seen from what you share on your blog is that you are doing the work and making your way. I’m cheering you on out here in cyberspace. If and when you do connect to your person, they will be very, very lucky!