The most stinging, accurate description of my relationship with love, partners and dating arrived in a swift punch to the git with two simple lines.
I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it
— Taylor Swift
I left relief as the words hurt me. A painful relief of being able to describe your invisible wounds. I had to Google it to make sure I heard it correctly. (I didn’t want another Starbucks lover situation to happen.) How Taylor knew I had just been processing a lot of thoughts about my love, my intensity and the combination I’ll never know. But somehow she did and for that I’m very thankful. She forced me to think, once again, about where I am in in my relationship with love, in all forms.
This year I hope I fall in love. But not with a person. I hope I love fearlessly. But not shrink in the face of the test of love. I hope I spend an entire year falling deeply, madly, in love with my life and the things I don’t even know about yet. (You can read more about this here) More importantly, I hope I spend a year finding out it feels like to have my love celebrated. Not questioning what my intentions are. Not wondering if my love is too much for someone. Spending a year knowing my energy is the exactly the right energy for the right people and I don’t have to explain it.
I Will Not…
- Do mental gymnastics to make something work.
- I don’t want to ever have to do the brainwork I’ve done to clear hurdles, army crawl under warning signs and crash through red tape.
- Think I need to make something work because life allowed them to be in my life.
- Alissa, you have choices and you do not have to go with something just because it presents itself. Until you feel in your gut a YES, it is an absolute no.
- Undervalue the gift of my love, energy and presence in someone’s life.
- Make compromises on what I know I need.
- Minimize what I want out of a relationship and not advocate for myself.
- Be with someone I am not proud of.
It’s so hard to say these things because then I’m held accountable to them now. I can’t weasel my way around the things I deeply know the way I do when they are in my head. I’m accountable for them. To you, reading them, but most important, to myself. The vulnerability of having to say them inherently means I have undervalued my own love.
“You’re worth an even better Doug.”
A friend in a conversation about how I admire Kamala and Doug. His endless belief I deserve even better makes me tear up. He’s seen me at my best and worst and always seen the best for me even when I couldn’t.
I Will Wait For…
I cried a lot during inauguration, for the obvious reasons, but also because I was watching a love story unfold everywhere I looked. Kamala and Doug didn’t meet when they were in their 20s. They met when they were thriving in the career, a time when society says you’re supposed to have already figured out your love story. But I think my story will be like theirs and seeing that represented was so important to me. I will wait for that love story. Not the love story of being young and needing someone.
Below is a very incomplete list of things are below, as almost every month I realize what I want out of “love” as I grow in my relationship with myself.
- Someone who encourages my energy, passion and finds out how they can be part of it.
- A partner who understands the unique needs I have and doesn’t “tolerate” them.
- The feeling of being so present with someone else I can’t tell a single detail about the food, restaurant or people around me, except the person I’m with.
- Pride. Pride in our partnership, who they are, where we are going and their pride in themselves.
People have been unkind enough to say things like, “You can’t be picky, it’s a marriage market and you’re going to have to settle.” “You’re going to be dating in your 30s, you need to realize your choices are limited.” First of all, have you met me? I’m going to be even pickier now that you’ve said this. Second, maybe I will have to compromise, but I will never, ever settle. No. I’m not afraid to wait.
Honestly? When I was ending my engagement it was like the world shattered around me because I found out how many women had settled. They told me their stories of ignoring their gut. Or how they just didn’t want to be alone. Yet they were married and alone. I was gobsmacked by my loss of respect for them.
Maybe it won’t happen, but maybe it will. Don’t I deserve the chance to see what it’s like to be embraced and celebrated? I have a vision that someday I’ll have that partner. And they understand that I waited a long time for them and because of that I will have unrivaled energy that I pour into everything we do.
Hallie
I love your generation of women. You are setting the world right. Generations of women were taught not to put themselves first. I am so proud of you all!