I’ve always struggled with the embarrassment of being really passionate about something, learning everything I can, then never picking it up or using that information again. So much that it often made me self-conscious about sharing hobbies and interests on the blog for fear of seeming inconsistent or flighty. Had I known from an earlier age that what I was experiencing was a classic ADHD symptom, I don’t think I would have felt measurably less self-conscious. However, I could’ve had a framework to understand those periods and reduce internal shame.
Combined with this struggle is the all-in/all-out, black-and-white mentality I apply toward everything. If I’m going to say I’m going to learn how to play tennis I am going to learn in my 30s, carry it through my 40s and then retire in my 60s as an active tennis person! How else could I say I like to play tennis?!
Can I say I am a writer and blogger if I’m not putting out content 3x a week? A newsletter? And social? And learn new things? If I really cared then wouldn’t my body let me stay up late, getting it all done, start-up-culture-esque for this hobby?
Shame-Spiral Hobby “Failure”
I’ve tried lettering and calligraphy three times. The first time was arguably the most successful and I devoted hours and hours of practice to it. The second time was eh, and the third? My friend Kaiti could tell you stories about how I was straight up not having a good time. (I did however enjoy the ride to/from and dinner after.)
But what happened during that first time was the classic arc I hated. Finding something new, experiencing all of the joy I could get from it, downward spiral into frustration, embarrassment that I wasn’t as good as others at my same stage, and mortification I told others about this new thing I was so excited about and then ultimately, quietly never talking about that hobby again.
Every time I saw a gift tag in subsequent years I felt guilt for abandoning it. But I didn’t like it. I wanted to like it, but I didn’t. And I still am actively trying to be okay with that. Even though I’ve been able to learn so much more, including the healthier way to approach this experience (below), lettering sticks out to me as a pre-ADHD diagnosis example of feeling broken.
Navigating New Hobbies in an ADHD Framework
You’ll really never have (if you’re me) a bigger hate than yourself. That dynamic came out this year when I realized my reading hobby was truly bringing me joy. Oh no! What could be wrong? You found a hobby you love, your screen time is reduced and you’re supporting your local library! Yeah, that’s just it. I was fully stimulated and thought, “Oh no! This is about the time I peak in my dopamine from this and then I never pick up a book again and you’ve got a whole highlight about your books and semi-regularly write about them on your blog!”
That stress test of “Are you really a reader” came naturally this year in the form of a very good, but fast decision to move. And I mean move, not just to another apartment. (We can talk about this later.) I knew it was going to require time away from reading. Instantly I felt anxiety, what if you never pick it up again? What if this was just a phase?
So what if I don’t? It’s okay.
I can take months to pick up a book and still love reading and connecting with others on this topic and not be a fraud.
And so I did.
I took about a month’s break between my last book and picking up another one.
And I had no shame.
Some occasional concerns that I’d never pick up a book again. But I also realized that it’s going to be waiting for me when I’m ready. Reading isn’t an act-now, limited-time special. It’s there for me when I need it and will always be there for me when I’m ready for it, not it demanding anything from me. And it doesn’t make me a failure.
If you’ve been able to say yes, yes you can say you’re a tennis player if you do it once a month or a writer if you have a platform, or a reader congrats!
You’ve arrived at inner peace probably much sooner than I have (or am)! My relentlessness, especially towards myself, has been a unique and tough journey. ADHD hasn’t necessarily made it any easier, but as I try to reiterate in these posts, it gives me a better framework to understand the framework of my brain in a safe environment.
Deb Gruver
So relate as someone not diagnosed till age 54!
But my main problem is I often DON’T try new things because my dad was a perfectionist and abusive if I didn’t do something 100% correctly the first time.
Now I’m a perfectionist.
::sigh::