Confronting the Limitations I’ve Put on Myself: A Work In Progress Story

This is the story of what’s been beneath the surface since fall 2021. Life gave me a chance to re-examine the limitations I’ve believed about and put on myself my life thus far and decide what I want breakthrough. Thank you for having the space to share the highs, lows and works-in-progresses of life.

I had my first irregular pap smear last fall. I immediately called my BFF, a nurse, who assured me the result was very common. Worst case I’d have to have another slightly more in-depth pap. Immediately I started asking around to confirm this was indeed normal. I breathed a little relief when I talked to many women who did indeed confirm they’d had either one or numerous irregular ones and they were still standing.

I went in for the next steps. Then I got the call. There had been cell changes. I had options. The phone call felt surreal. It was at most four minutes where I found out the results, discussed options, and instantly said what I wanted to do. Even the doctor was surprised I was so comfortable taking the more aggressive treatment. It made sense though, I always felt there was going to be something that was going to impact my fertility. In a way, I almost felt relief. I don’t want children. I haven’t for many years. “This makes sense.” is what I kept saying to myself.

I spent December and January feeling restless and uncomfortable. I was wrestling with the discomfort of what if something bigger was wrong, but also, for the first time, I realized I was facing my mortality. Oh. Things really can happen to me. You, the reader, might be wondering why I’m emphasizing this part. I had my eyes opened that insurance was something I needed to understand because I was about to have to use a lot of it. Suddenly I’m old enough to be making decisions impacting my future. I wasn’t prepared, yet, to answer questions about children and potential outcomes. It all happened so fast. I thought I had more time before I signed and said I knew removing the cells could potentially reduce my chance of a successful pregnancy.

I had the cells removed in March. They came back negative.

While I was wrestling and coming to terms with all of this, I started thinking about what I wanted the rest of my life to look like. Never once had weight been mentioned to me during my doctor appointments. But I saw. I also saw the way that food was no longer a source of joy and was a constant source of companionship to accompany me as I sat at home in the cold Chicago winter and temporarily give me some relief from my worries. Food needed to always be indulgent and bring me joy. Every meal! No exception! I want to eat this because I want to add it to my Chicago food highlight!

During this time I doubled down. I decided I had never been happier with my body, seeking out the Instagram and social media curation that affirmed this. I convinced myself I was doing the best I could do.

But here’s the thing. You can only lie to yourself for so long. I just got so tired of it.

I knew I wasn’t doing what I could. In fact I was actively doing everything to avoid it. Despite my social channels being nothing but affirmative, I kept wondering. “Okay, I DO believe the BMI is antiquated and not the way we should be measured. BUT! Am I also willing to sit with the consequences that I’m bringing on myself by knowing I’m not doing what I could be doing?”

We have such complex and intricate relationships with our body. Both of these opposing sides were battling in my mind. Do I keep living how I have been and know I could do better or do I admit I need to make a change?

February 2022, on a Sunday, I decided it was time to make a change.

I told my friend (and nurse BFF) Melissa. I sat her down with the same heaviness of someone delivering life-changing news. She sat in my living room while I said in the next few weeks I’ll be making some changes in my life and I wasn’t sure how to navigate it but I wanted her to know. I think she sighed with relief because she thought it was something more serious. She then shared with me her own “big” moments like this.

But what she also did in this was remind me that a year previously I had told her what I didn’t do. I DON’T do “X” is what I told her during our first meeting. And now almost all of those things I did on the regular. That’s when I realized I was in the right place to truly tackle this. I wasn’t a lot of things before. But not really because I didn’t want to, but rather I didn’t allow myself to explore what I could do.

I started on February 14, 2022.

The first few weeks in the gym I felt so out of place. I hated walking in and finding it busy. Everyone else looked like they fit in. What am I even doing here? I don’t deserve to take up a machine when I don’t know how to use it. I went through it all. One workout I was so intimidated I cried at the weight machine before turning on Britney to tell me I gotta work.

I’m now on week 19. 19 weeks of self discipline and actively choosing to deposit into myself. I’ve lived a lot in those 19 weeks. But the way I wanted to live, knowing I was actually doing my best. Truthfully, I think what I was most afraid of in choosing to change my habits and being committed to doing my best. I knew it was going to take consistency. An action I’ve been trying to demonstrate to myself for years. Ironic, right? I’ve been inconsistently working on consistence, consistently.

There’s no shortcut. It’s honestly kind of boring in a way. It reminds me a lot of therapy. I think I’m actually able to see that good things take time because of my therapy experience. I didn’t have that example before of the ebb and flow of a long-term process that isn’t linear.

You have your breakthrough weeks. The high that makes you so thankful you chose to show up to that session. But there’s also a lot of monotony that you need in order to achieve goals. The work between goals is legitimately showing up, depositing into yourself that day, again and again. It’s choosing to prioritize what you want from yourself. Not getting frustrated you did everything right and your body needed to hold onto something I wanted to get rid of. We don’t have to be miserable and showcase how much we’re sacrificing in order to hit our goals. No one can live that way. I don’t care what self-help/Instagram/TikTok coach tells you. You’re not always going to be hitting these incredible highs. Sometimes you’re going to be just happy you showed up.

If I understood chakras I’d say my sixth chakra (totally guessing) was unblocked during these 19 weeks. I’ve changed the narrative from “I don’t do that” to “What if I tried that?” I walked 6.5 miles on a whim with Melissa with no warning. Food no longer rules my life, but I rule my food and choose what fuels me. Instead of “I can’t” it’s “I don’t want to.” Honestly, there’s not a lot I can’t do. There IS a lot I don’t want to do. Being honest about this when it came to my nutrition and fitness has filtered into other channels in my life.

I am an athlete. Not in the visual sense I always picture when I hear that term, but in my way. I am physically active, but the athletic mindset of creating a goal and aligning towards it applies to every part of my life. You don’t just show up to an event and expect great results. You can’t just show up to one or two dates and expect great results either. It’s work. My leadership takes about building marketing athletes and I got excited because I realized I was perfectly aligned for that moment.

The reality is that my life looks like the below. I eat like the left for 90% of the time and 10% of the time the right. Neither of these foods are wrong. They fuel me completely differently and neither are “bad,” it’s just simply my choice to align my life choices (yes, even food) to what I ultimately want and am trying to build. For the first time in my life I’m not giving up because for two weeks I didn’t get the results I wanted.

The relationship we have with our bodies and nutrition are some of the most complex and intricate relationships we have in our lives. How else do you explain how I could feel two polar opposite feelings (I am good as I am and I also am not doing the best I can) and believe them both? I was good enough as I was and I also needed to listen to my gut that said it was time to make a change. ….. What? How? Yeah, I can’t explain it either.

The reality is that I’ve been slowly examining my self-imposed limitations for a few years. I just didn’t know it. And if I did know it, I think I would have stopped because I would have self-limited and pulled back. The previous examinations are what laid the ground for me to tackle what has been one of the most unhealthy (no pun intended) relationships that has directly correlated to my self-limiting beliefs.

I’m nowhere near my fitness goal, but that’s because I’m having fun opening new pathways for me to explore. Biking! Walking! Kayaking! There’s less of an end goal (but there are still clear goals along the way) and more of a chance to clear the way to be ready to do anything. Notoriously I’m terrible with the gray. I want the black and white, the clear goals and outcomes expected. But this, this one exists in exactly black, white and gray.

The lessons I was learning (painfully) in 2020 are starting to make sense. They had to happen for us to be here in this moment. And honestly, I’ve once again been proven the less I try and make something work, the more life shows up and tells me it really does have the best intentions for me if I’ll take them.

Until part two, because life has a way of creating more chapters than I ever thought possible. 🖤🤍