Combined with this struggle is the all-in/all-out, black-and-white mentality I apply toward everything. If I’m going to say I’m going to learn how to play tennis I am going to learn in my 30s, carry it through my 40s and then retire in my 60s as an active tennis person! How else could I say I like to play tennis?!

Can I say I am a writer and blogger if I’m not putting out content 3x a week? A newsletter? And social? And learn new things? If I really cared then wouldn’t my body let me stay up late, getting it all done, start-up-culture-esque for this hobby?

Shame-Spiral Hobby “Failure”

I’ve tried lettering and calligraphy three times. The first time was arguably the most successful and I devoted hours and hours of practice to it. The second time was eh, and the third? My friend Kaiti could tell you stories about how I was straight up not having a good time. (I did however enjoy the ride to/from and dinner after.)

But what happened during that first time was the classic arc I hated. Finding something new, experiencing all of the joy I could get from it, downward spiral into frustration, embarrassment that I wasn’t as good as others at my same stage, and mortification I told others about this new thing I was so excited about and then ultimately, quietly never talking about that hobby again.

Every time I saw a gift tag in subsequent years I felt guilt for abandoning it. But I didn’t like it. I wanted to like it, but I didn’t. And I still am actively trying to be okay with that. Even though I’ve been able to learn so much more, including the healthier way to approach this experience (below), lettering sticks out to me as a pre-ADHD diagnosis example of feeling broken.

Navigating New Hobbies in an ADHD Framework

You’ll really never have (if you’re me) a bigger hate than yourself. That dynamic came out this year when I realized my reading hobby was truly bringing me joy. Oh no! What could be wrong? You found a hobby you love, your screen time is reduced and you’re supporting your local library! Yeah, that’s just it. I was fully stimulated and thought, “Oh no! This is about the time I peak in my dopamine from this and then I never pick up a book again and you’ve got a whole highlight about your books and semi-regularly write about them on your blog!”

That stress test of “Are you really a reader” came naturally this year in the form of a very good, but fast decision to move. And I mean move, not just to another apartment. (We can talk about this later.) I knew it was going to require time away from reading. Instantly I felt anxiety, what if you never pick it up again? What if this was just a phase?

So what if I don’t? It’s okay.

I can take months to pick up a book and still love reading and connecting with others on this topic and not be a fraud.

And so I did.

I took about a month’s break between my last book and picking up another one.

And I had no shame.

Some occasional concerns that I’d never pick up a book again. But I also realized that it’s going to be waiting for me when I’m ready. Reading isn’t an act-now, limited-time special. It’s there for me when I need it and will always be there for me when I’m ready for it, not it demanding anything from me. And it doesn’t make me a failure.

If you’ve been able to say yes, yes you can say you’re a tennis player if you do it once a month or a writer if you have a platform, or a reader congrats!

You’ve arrived at inner peace probably much sooner than I have (or am)! My relentlessness, especially towards myself, has been a unique and tough journey. ADHD hasn’t necessarily made it any easier, but as I try to reiterate in these posts, it gives me a better framework to understand the framework of my brain in a safe environment.

The post My ADHD Journey: The Freedom to Embrace (and Leave) Hobbies appeared first on Honestly Relatable.

Relationships, of any sort, are hard and require ongoing maintenance (Check-ins, the occasional gift doesn’t hurt, etc.). Friendships are of the utmost importance to me, but they also have so many varying seasons across the landscape of your lives, at any given time. They’re like life partners to me. Actually, I’ve got friends in my life who have outlasted all of my long-term relationships.

This year has been a lot of great growth in my friendships and making new ones! More than years before which I think really translates to the work I’ve been doing to be more social. Through all of this, I’ve learned a lot. Some things that I can easily put into words, some that are going to take a bit more time to process.

Traveling with Friends Lets You Appreciate Them More (Generally)

A massive, massive caveat to this: Traveling brings out the best and worst in each of you, proceed with caution and know there are going to be ups and downs on that travel path together.

One of the most stressful situations this year was traveling to New York with my friend Kaiti for an ideal girl’s weekend turned changing-hotels-every-single-night-tortential-downpour-weekend. I mean, you know you’re in a tough situation when you’re grateful to be buying the last ponchos at CVS. Or the highlight is finding a hotel bunk bed room (Yes Marriott has these and they are GREAT!).

But through it, I developed such an appreciation and admiration for her. I saw so many talents she has that I never knew about. We naturally ebbed and flowed with where our strengths could best be utilized. I truly do not think that trip would have strengthened many of my other friendships. But those are strengthened in ways and I might not. It was just a very watershed moment of clarity of how much we’ve grown as people and our relationship.

And as I massively disclaimed, traveling with friends isn’t for everyone and you often can’t know this until it’s too late. But in this instance, that trip, which had overwhelming odds to be miserable, is one of the highlights of my friendship with her (and we’ve known each other since college) and we’re going to do it again!

Sometimes Friendships Pick Back Up
(But Differently)

Because life has a sense of humor, as my friendship above paused, the friendship that created the term in my life came back. Out of nowhere. And threw my world just as upside down as it did when it happened years ago. But also demonstrated the growth that can happen only when you really take the time to evaluate your own actions and accountability in a situation.

I met up with them after a series of emails and thinking about if I wanted to meet face-to-face. Yes and no. Yes, because I do care but no because reflecting on when we pause to now yielded such a different person. One who was aware of the freedom she felt to explore herself as it ended. It went well. We still talk. I’ve been able to say what I’m comfortable with and respond within a healthy mindset vs out of fear if I don’t respond fast enough or ask the right questions I’ll be banished from their life. It’s not the same friendship, nor do I want that.

It almost feels like getting back with your ex, which I am adamantly against (and they are not, demonstrating our oppositional approach to things). The foundation is the same, even if you’ve both grown significantly, you have that common pattern and ground that never truly vanishes. Even still, I decided it’s a risk worth slowly exploring.

At the End of a Friendship, You’re Probably Not Going to See Each Other’s Perspective

As a friendship paused (this is why I use that term over ending) this year, their partner said something in passing to me. The friend had mentioned it was so easy for me to leave. I stood silent in the doorway, words flooding but not coming out.

Yeah, it was (seemingly, to them) easy to leave. It was one of the numerous ways they’d pushed me away and expected me to come back the same way other relationships in their life did. They didn’t see the chats I had with others, trying to clean one iota of logic or time spent processing that this was where my line was revealed.

But I also didn’t see the hurt that my silence was causing them. And I made peace that I’m not going to see why they feel it’s a justified hurt.

Our relationship was meaningful. But meaningful doesn’t mean healthy. The silence and pain gave me the clarity I needed. And we’re just not going to see each other perspectives on this one.

What a mixed bag, right? Overall, lots of highs! But some friendships this year were more on the lesson side of the scale and I’ve got a growing appreciation for all of these contributions.

The post 3 Lessons I’ve Learned This Year About Friendship appeared first on Honestly Relatable.

Signed,

Your article-referring friend Alissa

How to Become an Excellent Gift Giver

I love, love, love being a good gift giver. But I continually am curious about what makes a good gift to other people. This article is one I refer to a lot and have send to many friends. I really like Allie’s work and find myself excited when I see new content from her. (In fact, as I am compiling this article I am realizing many are from her.) Read article here.

How to Comfort Someone When They’re Sad

This article nails it, the simplest way to be there for someone is also the hardest. Starting a conversation. Read the article here. I admittedly struggle with this – I really sometimes am not sure how to start the conversation. I know it is better to start one than not reach out, but it truly sometimes feels so hard to think of the right way to enter a delicate conversation.

How to Know When You’re Getting Good Advice

I think this article really nails a lot of important things but one of which is this – do you actually even want advice? Many times I realize (as the person is mid-feedback) I do not, I just want a space to talk. Read article here.

How to Ask for What You Want in Life and Work

This one says what needs to be said. Before you can ask life and work for what you want, you really, really need to know what you want. This article is always a gut check for me to ensure I’m aware of what I want so I can better know how to ask for it. Read the article here.

How to Bond with a Stranger

I have yet to meet a person who isn’t trying to make friends as an adult. Better yet, I have yet to meet someone who doesn’t lament about this topic. Truthfully I’ve had really good experiences bonding with strangers and making friends and I do credit this article for helping me! Read the article here.

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