All of my life when I pictured my bridal party, it’s been four. Two on each side of me, perfectly balanced. So it felt like fate that my absolute best friends totaled four that I asked to be in my wedding. These ladies range from 14 – 5 years of friendship so this is a tight inner circle. I couldn’t imagine a better circle of friends to be at the alter with me. It was just perfect. Never did I imagine writing this post on handling someone saying no to being a bridesmaid.

Oh by the way, my six-year-old nephew also told me NO over repeatedly when I asked him to be the ring bearer.

I waited to tell all of my would-be bridesmaids in real life that we were engaged. We wanted to be in the moment and I’m so glad that we have those in-person memories. I arrived to eat donuts at my friend Jennifer’s home and announced to her we were engaged! She then announced that she was pregnant with her third daughter! We both kind of had an OOOOOOHHHHHHH face and then ate donuts. After the excitement of both of our news passed, I knew we were going to have to have an awkward conversation. My gut told me it but I ignored it for a while. But I knew there was going to be a defining moment.

Total honesty moment

I have a theory there’s always one person in your bridal party you never talk to again. I’ve been that person. I’ve been friends with that person. You’ve been that person or you know someone. I was afraid of this because I have yet to be proven wrong about it.

How to Handle Someone Saying No to Being a Bridesmaid

Have a real conversation before you ask

I knew I needed to talk to her before I officially “asked” my bridal party. She knew it too. So during the nature of our usual conversation I brought up if she thought she would be able to. There wasn’t really a good way to ask it so I just had to. I felt a little relief when the word were finally out there. But then….. I had to wait for an answer. We agreed that she needed to talk to her significant other if this was even going to be possible to handle with three kids and two of them being infants at the wedding.

Define Expectations

Expectations gets a bad wrap. Expectations isn’t that you get me a deluxe manicure and spa massage the week of the wedding. They area great way to know if you can emotionally, physically or any other way handle something.

So we had a chat about what I expected from the bridal party. In her case I eliminated a couple of things that if I was in KC I would have had her come to. In the grand scheme of things, they didn’t matter as much as the actual wedding so I was fine with her missing . I told her the bridesmaids would be paying for their own dress but I would give them their gift which would include their jewelry to help with costs. It’s almost like a business meeting, but as a bridesmaid you invest a lot of money so it’s good to know what you’re in for.

Honestly she wasn’t able to figure out how to make it work and we had a good talk about what things could be moved around, etc. Logistically, it just was really bad timing, but we both understood that after going through things.

Put Things Into Perspective – It’s Not About You

I have to say, having someone saying no to being a bridesmaid jarred me. Everything was going so perfectly according to plan! Immediately I was on the phone with my BFF freaked out about it all. I was upset because I thought I was doing everything I could to make it as easy for her to be in the wedding. Not shocking, the focus I had was on how this affected ME. This affects my symmetry! My plan!

Okay guess what? It’s not exactly easy for someone actually to have to tell you “No” to being a bridesmaid because of financial/life/whatever reasons. It’s a very vulnerable moment in your relationship and you should be thankful that you have that honesty in your relationship.

You’ll Be Grateful for the Honesty

Let’s be real, being in a wedding is a huge financial and time commitment. It would have been so much more hurtful to have a weird vibe and find out they felt uncomfortable and long-term damage the relationship. I would absolutely never want someone to

Yeah, It Can Be Awkward

Our main form of communication is Hangouts and well, definitely for a few weeks no one wanted to bring up the thing that we all knew. I literally messaged, “I have to talk to you about the thing I know you are going to say but don’t want to say.” So technically she has never said no, but instead it’s not you it’s me. (I can say that because she knows I’m writing this post.)

In the End

I never anticipated a “no” to being a bridesmaid. It is way more important to me that she be at the wedding enjoying it and celebrating with us than in the bridal party. Sure, I did have to re-adjust that I was only going to have three bridesmaids, but I’m still surrounded by those that love me. I want to be sure that I still have a friendship by the end of my wedding and I think that the strain of making it all happen during this huge change for her just wasn’t meant to be.

It’s kind of fun though that I have a BFF that I can vent to about random things and they aren’t as emotionally or cash invested in the wedding. It’s nice to have a creative brain to give feedback.

At the end of the day, the wedding is literally a day. My friendships are much more important. I’m glad that a few weeks of awkwardness means that we are going to still have an amazing friendship and we were honest with each other.

The post How to Handle Someone Saying No to Being a Bridesmaid appeared first on Honestly Relatable.

Marfa Wedding Planning

We got engaged on October 1, 2019 and set a wedding date soon after for May 23, 2020. We live in Austin and decided to have a destination wedding in Marfa, TX which is about a 7 hour drive from us. It was going to be a small, private ceremony at a local restaurant there with 15 total guests – us, our parents, siblings and a few other close family members. By the end of February pretty much everything was ready to go besides a few little details. Then March came around…

How did COVID change your wedding?

We were lucky to have already planned a small, simple ceremony with 15 guests total, so making changes was much easier than I’m sure it’s been for some couples. The biggest changes were the venue and the guest list. The restaurant we booked cancelled our reservation since they were going to remain closed for the foreseeable future. With that cancellation we lost our venue, seating, dinnerware and food and drink arrangements. After all the ups and downs of those past few months we decided we still wanted to celebrate, so we stuck with our original wedding date and pivoted to a new COVID-19 friendly plan.

For safety reasons we condensed our guest list and opted for an intimate elopement with 4 people total — us, my brother who was officiating and his girlfriend. Luckily the photographer and floral designer we had hired previously were still willing to participate. I found a gorgeous, private Airbnb that was available where we would also stay for the weekend (we had previously booked rooms at a hotel that we were able to cancel for a full refund). We ordered food in advance from a local restaurant that was offering take out. The dinner table, chairs and place settings we used were just from the kitchen of the Airbnb. 

How did you handle the change of plans and twists the pandemic created?

I decided to wait until the beginning of May to reach out to the restaurant about our reservation. I felt if I reached out any sooner they would definitely cancel since COVID-19 information was literally changing day by day at that time. Since I waited until only a few weeks before the wedding date to do that, we had to really make some fast decisions on how to proceed after the cancellation. I dedicated 3 full days to re-planning. We were lucky because we did plan such a small gathering, but even 15 people made us uneasy.

Marfa is a small town with no hospital. It felt irresponsible to bring a large group into their community which is why we ultimately decided to only invite my brother and his girlfriend. Since he was officiating it was essential for him to be there. Much of what was deemed not possible because of the pandemic we just had to be OK with and move forward with what we could do. I kind of thrive under pressure, so I actually enjoyed the rushed planning process. 

Your first wedding dress didn’t arrive in time, how did you handle that?

I pre-ordered a dress from a Denmark-based company in January that was supposed to be ready by the end of March. However, production was delayed due to COVID-19. By May they ended up telling me they wouldn’t have the dress in time. At that point I only had about a week to figure something out, so I had to think quickly. I decided to order an existing dress from the same company’s website and had them ship it overnight to me. Luckily it arrived a few days before we had to head to Marfa. It fit perfectly without needing any alterations.

But it wasn’t just me! My husband also didn’t have anything to wear as of a week before our ceremony. He didn’t order his suit until we decided to have the wedding for sure. Ordering online took longer to arrive than what was advertised (COVID delays!). When it did he didn’t love the fit. He was lucky because some department stores had just started to reopen. So he masked up and went to Nordstrom to get a suit. It needed some alterations and was ready the day before we left Austin!

What was your favorite moment of the day?

The “reception”! My husband and I put together a playlist of all of our favorite songs beforehand to dance to after the ceremony. There was a large entryway in the Airbnb that made for the perfect dance floor! The four of us ate, drank, chatted and danced all night. It was so much fun!

What advice would you give to other brides?

If you decide to re-plan your previously planned wedding during this time, be flexible. Try to keep things simple. Businesses are closed and short staffed. Shipments and deliveries are taking longer to arrive. Plus, you have to keep the health and safety of you, your guests and your community in mind. Certain things you’ll want to incorporate might not be possible right now and that’s OK. At the end of the day, being able to marry your partner is all that really matters!

Intimate Marfa Wedding Vendors

Locations: Private AirBnB | La Teirra in Marfa

Photographer: Jona Davis

Florals: Open Road Florals

Cake: Aster Marfa

Food: Jett’s Grill at the Hotel Pasiano

Dress: Cecilie Bhansen

Shoes: Gucci

The post Love in COVID: Intimate Marfa Wedding appeared first on Honestly Relatable.

Grief is weird. Broken engagement grief is weirder. The only thing that helps it is time. Time is the worst part about it. It hits me in random ways. When I don’t have someone to text that I’m headed home and to ask if the dogs missed me. When I crushed it in a meeting I was nervous about and go to text that I killed it because we both will celebrate. That is gone with the person I did that with for years. The silent inside jokes. But most of all, the grief of a chapter closing and knowing that it’s truly over and you two humans and the dogs will now live completely separate lives sometimes.

The Idea Of What You Were

“Sometimes the place you are used to is not the place you belong.”

The Queen of Katwe

What we were grieving, or I was grieving, was the idea of us. Grieving of what we were and the idea of us. In some of our many conversations about if we could make it work, we were trying to get back to who we were together years ago. When we were in the same place, same place and growing together. That idea is wonderful. But it isn’t who we are in 2019. Vacillating between the idea of who you are and who you were is a state that is so strange. It’s like being an observer of your own life as you replay things wondering if they are still true and what changed.

It’s hard to think of what you guys were at your best and realize that somehow that isn’t where you are now. Or that one person thought you were still at the best and you realize that it wasn’t that way for you.

The Creative Loss

Wedding planning gave me so much creativity. I channeled so much creative energy into it that I didn’t know how to be creative unless it was working on details. I even got better at Excel for it! No, I don’t regret anything, because when I am into something, I am all freaking in. There’s no question. As the relationship ended, I had to deconstruct every single thing set into motion for the wedding. The first email I sent felt unreal. By the 20th email, it felt like I was dying by 1,000 cuts (Taylor Swift’s song makes me wonder if she actually has been somehow in my life?) with every word I wrote.

• “No, I appreciate the credit for future use in a year, but I have to cancel. ”
• “Yes, I know I still have to pay the bill.”
• “Thank you for your sympathy.”
• “Yeah, I’m sure someday we can work again. Who knows when that will be.”

It’s hard to watch your creative vision come to an end. None of my ideas translate to a normal event. It’s hard to believe that someday you are going to be able to actually bring to life what you dreamed of. I haven’t found that creative energy anywhere else yet. Nothing has made me feel as alive as that time when I was making a million tiny decisions and working with my vendors.

The Loss of an Identity

Something that I didn’t anticipate? The ability to wear my “Dog Mom” shirt and it being a lie. I knew I had an identity with that but now I’m a fraud if I wear it. That chapter of being Sherlock and Max’s mom is over. More painfully, originally the chapter of being Sherlock’s mom (and in 2019 we rescued Max together) was going to continue, but that was taken away from me. The chapter ended without any warning. I still haven’t unpacked my box that I know there’s a Dog Mom shirt that has dog hair on it. I want it but I don’t want to touch it because it’s not who I am now. Nothing in me wants that dog hair to go away. At least have something of theirs. Grief about losing a dog due a break up is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. They are still alive but go on living their lives without you. I constantly talk to them still. I wonder if they had a good day. Do you miss me? I wish I could see you. Do you know I’m thinking about you? Could you sense I cried myself to sleep holding your photo? Do you? Do you know how much I love you? I fall asleep wondering if you understand that I didn’t leave you. I talked about you the entire time we were deciding if we could work it out. You were always my motivation.

That identity of being a girlfriend, partner, dog mom is over right now. And I know that for him some of his identity is gone too. No matter how strong an individual is, when you’re in a relationship you take on an aspect of a new identity. It’s unavoidable if you are committed to the other person and I think one of the most beautiful things.

Every Little Thing Being Unnerving

After you’ve been with someone for so long, every little thing reminds you of what you’ve done together or something about your relationship. I don’t go to the same stores. I avoid certain TV shows that were “ours” and for a while, even avoided some restaurants because it was just too much. Even some roads were too much to take. You suddenly become the friend that people don’t talk about certain things in front of you. It’s not pity, they mean it in the best way, but the reality that you are “that” friend hits a little differently.

My Internet Ads?

My wedding guests may have known the wedding was called off, but the internet didn’t. I still get ads for wedding items. Actually, one step worse than that is I am not getting targeted with post-wedding items like family planning, nurseries, anniversary trip ideas. I never thought I would be so ready to get back to the internet understanding exactly where I am in life. Most of the ads I can appreciate and look at the pretty items, but other? Well, they just kind of hit a sad nerve right now.

Navigating the loss of a relationship is never easy. Out of the things that I just talked about, the dogs are the ones that are the most painful. Leading up to the wedding date it was a mix of the creative loss and idea of who we were. It’s always in flux and sometimes it’s a combination of all of them. Wherever you are, if you’re reading this, it does get better. Literally just one day at a time, which really sucks. But this is one more day that you have to be a little stronger than you were yesterday. I hope if you’re reading this and in the place I am, you know that you aren’t alone.

The post Unexpected Things I’ve Felt Since Calling Off The Wedding appeared first on Honestly Relatable.