As the temperature dropped, so did my intensity. It’s easy to lose yourself in the dating world. So I took a few months to write out my reflections and learnings. Some are current, some are part and some are in-between.

But the biggest thing I learned about myself?

I’m not chill.

I give a damn. In fact I want to give a damn.

I don’t vibe with those who don’t want to act like they give one.

I’m not chill and never will be.

I Think Being Chill Holds Us Back in Dating (And a reminder: I am not a chill person)

One of the worst parts of current dating is the hurt of not wanting to be the one who cares. There’s a sort of je ne sais quoi to seeing who could care less. Are they just chill or do they not care? The question after every vague response as you try to create a plan to you know, actually schedule a date. On a dating app. A shocking outcome that no one would expect. Don’t show you were excited for plans. Oh and don’t communicate a miscommunication was a letdown. Make it as easy to walk away and be very clear you couldn’t care less.

I think this goes along with the casualization of everything. As a planner, in a city that requires strong foresight into what I want for dinner in six weeks so I can make a reservation, I do not vibe with the chillness. Dressing up is fun! Having multiple destinations in one night is fun! Showing appreciation of someone who wants to create a memorable experience is the new vibe!

This is the world according to Alissa, but I think this is what all of this means: When dating, we need a shield to maintain our power. Being chill and demonstrating how little we care helps us protect our vulnerability so we are seen as strong and unbreakable. (Yet we are all trying to meet and find someone, but instead of it bonding, it creates a heightened sense of self-preservation.

Anyway, now that I’ve very casually and very chill level set with you, let’s move on to vulnerability.

I’ve grown to *almost* dread the feeling of a wonderful date. Because what goes up must come down. Right? And, I’ve learned, after a string of really great first dates, many times it stays down.

Queen Taylor says it best, “You know how scared I am of elevators, Never trust it if it rises fast, It can’t last.”

Once I was excited to text or call my friends to immediately provide updates.

After about the third great first date, I started to feel really vulnerable. And aware that I was the friend who was always excited about some new person.

Cringe.

Creating a Dating Thesis

Last summer I decided to make a dating statement to help me figure out what I was actually seeking from someone or within myself. I’d never made a dating thesis before. I think it’s because I wasn’t aware of what I actually needed, much less wanted. Something needs to be able to be measured and bounced against as I look for what I want.

This dating thesis truly helped me sort through the confusing highs/lows, will they/won’t they and remain clear on what I wanted. Something casual? No. It took me a few tries to figure this out. Sometimes I was aware when someone was on the casual and consistent side, which I find to be the hardest to cut off.

Oh. In case you need to read this: just because something is there and consistent doesn’t mean it’s good or going towards something.

Check please.

What Energy Means I’m At My Best?

After the summer sparks faded into distant memories I turned towards analyzing why they felt a bit more sting-ey than previous encounters. I realized it was because I loved the energy the situations (not the people) brought out in me. It was relational and partnership energy. The kind that made me want to go out in a flash flood (literally) to get a cup of coffee for someone because I wanted to greet them with their favorite roast when they arrived.

Me in my best relational and partnership energy looks like a tenderness that I tuck away for most of life. A softness that is uncomfortable for me to demonstrate, but with a vulnerability that I want to explore and share and grow in. Just a few touches that makes someone cerebrally aware I’m listening and showing up with just a topping of thoughtfulness.

That’s me at my best. I like what’s been out in me this round. A softness. A care. The things I’ve tucked away because I’ve been afraid they’d show weakness. Fewer dates required me to prepare lists of questions. I wasn’t care less, I was careful, but vulnerable and lighter than before.

The Co-Authors We Invite into Our Lives

What I don’t love about dating and love is that it requires letting someone be a co-author. No longer a single author but a shared page that unites two different chapters, storylines, characters and plot twists. But! The more I think about this concept, the characters in our lives and stories, the more I realized it applies everywhere! Our friends are also co-authors, it just feels less vulnerable because there’s not an overt ask.

I don’t feel hesitation to show excitement about plans to my friends. They get calendar invites! Reminders! ‘Fit checks! I value my friendships even more than romantic ones, there’s no chill there. Yet somehow I didn’t feel the need mask it.

We’re always writing the chapters of our lives with someone. Consciously or subconsciously.

Just be what you want to be in dating. Like someone! Get excited about them! Get upset when they cancel plans (because it is rude and we need to stop letting people get away with it)! I hope you absolutely find yourself at the unhinged level of caring (in a healthy way) because the only way you find someone to care about is to actually start caring.

The post The Not Chill Way I Approach Dating Because I Give A Damn appeared first on Honestly Relatable.

Let’s start out fun! Goals don’t have to always be hard (I tell myself and repeat regularly).

Learn More About Red Wine
(and figure out what decanting actually is)

I love red wine. If it’s not cabernet it’s not for me. Consequently, I want to learn more about what is I love about it other than being able to say, “give me the red and full-bodied” In March I visited my wine-expert friends and did another wine tasting trip (this has become an annual thing since 2021) in Napa and Carmel. I like learning about how wine is made, the way top notes come through and the way tannins… well, how they do their tanning thing. Anyway, I’ve been looking at wine tastings and education across Chicago and it really excites me!

P.S. Does anyone know how to exactly explain to me what decanting is, in like, simple language?

Read
(and keep record of it)

Reading tends to be my ADHD hyper-obsession area. I am either reading three books a week or nothing for months. I went through a huge binge summer 2022 and then picked it up again this winter. One mistake I made last year was not documenting what I read (and because I love thrillers and judge a cover hard – they all blur together) or rating it on something like StoryGraph or an Instagram highlight (which I did start). Just something organized. This year I want to keep more lists of authors I like, ones I don’t and share my monthly readings with you all!

I also have joined a book club (and have yet to be in town while they were meeting) that I am looking forward to. There’s two that I am trying to join to see what the vibe is like and hopefully make some new book friends.

Continue Writing Cards

I have kept up this practice for years now. It’s almost compulsive. But this year I’m also trying to grow my stationary collection as I travel. I love having a card on hand to celebrate anything. You can find me every Sunday sending three notes off into the world, hoping they spread cheer!

Fitness

February 15, 2023 marked one year of being consistent in my fitness and health. Truthfully I am surprised I’ve been able to achieve this level of consistency, but I credit therapy for demonstrating what consistently looks like in my life. Although I made really great strides in 2022, life had its natural ups and downs. This past December – January I had a surprise – I had mono, again (I had it when I was 18)! This derailed my progress and plan for the first quarter of 2023. The goal now is to just get back to being consistent in the gym, hitting my step goal and watching my nutrition. (Nutrition was easier for me last year and I’m finding this year is harder to stay on track.)

All of my goals for 2023 have nothing to do with numbers, but instead focus on increasing my confidence and agility. As a result, my 2023 fitness goals look like:

• Consistency from January – March (ehhhh, not so good, not so bad on this one thus far)
• Increase my agility and flexibility (I’m looking at getting into a hot yoga class weekly in addition to visiting my sports doctor.)
• Wearing a two-piece (publicly) this summer
• Workout in a sports bra crop top
• Be ready for new jeans this fall

Travel

I love traveling in the fall and this year I’m hoping to make it to two countries. Not only is fall just beautiful, it tends to be at the tail-end of tourist season so prices are lower. September-November I hope to have the chance to add two passport stamps. Ireland is always on my list to revisit so if you ever want a travel partner… you know where to find me.

So far I’ve been on six trips in 2023 (mix of work/personal) and it’s only the first few months! However, that will slow down. Summer I always try to stay in Chicago. Summertime chi is over in the blink of an eye. I don’t want to miss a second of it.

This year is the year I finally get the suitcase(s) I’ve had my eye on for years. A dreamy green. After over 250,000 air miles, my Costco-budget luggage has given her all. She’s ready for retirement. Just a few more bills to pay (ugh, reality) and then they’re coming home to me.

Money

Everyone wants to talk about everyone else’s money but not their own. Me included. I’ve said it before but I want to better understand how to make my money work for me. I do the usual 401k, savings, have some stock, etc. but I don’t know if it’s enough. And I think the embarrassment of not understanding how money works discourages many. Myself included. So rather than just, “I make money and then it goes into accounts” I want to understand how to help ease anxiety I feel daily, wondering if I am doing enough.

2023 money goals:

• Open an HYSA (high-yield savings account)
• Understand HSA benefits (and plan for ’24 enrollment this October)
• Value my money more (stop going to experiences that cost but don’t bring joy/benefit)

Career

Outside of the goals my leader and I have set, I’ve got some soft skill development I’ve noticed gaps in. I’m really trying to make this a year that I take the time to hone these and observe from other leaders, a lot. Everything from mannerisms to strategy, I’m trying to absorb.

• Find a mentor and regularly meet with them
• Join a board or voluntarily consult for an organization
• Develop my teaching/consulting muscle (for my own expertise areas and also people-leader skills I need to work on)
• A perennial note, slow down

Before I know it, it’ll be be time for a mid-year check-in. And at the current rate I’m going, mid-year will be in October and then the year is over. But I’ve always loved looking back at what I said I wanted vs what actually happened. If you’re on the same path of trying to achieve 2023 goals, cheers to us! Let’s talk about yours (send me a DM or email)!

The post My 2023 Goals (Fun, Career, Fitness and Money!) appeared first on Honestly Relatable.

That hit me a little more intensely than I wanted it to. It was already in the back of my mind, but I wasn’t ready to confront “it.”

“It” started earlier this year.

I described it as brain fog. It’s just a little brain fog. It’ll be better when I sleep more or have down time.

Then I was tired. It’s okay, it’ll be better when I get through this time and am less anxious.

Finally, it was anxiety. I had nowhere else to go, I’d run out of labels.

Finally, it became “it.” My “it” that never left me or let up. Moments became days where I didn’t remember what I was doing.

As “it” increased, I remained steadfast in my commitment to not google what I suspected. I refused. Don’t give yourself ideas Alissa. Meanwhile, my brain fog got worse. Crippling.

My trainer and I made changes to my diet and exercise journey. We talked about how women’s bodies and brains change in their 30s. I went on a few more weeks and hoped I saw a difference. But once again I found myself with gaping black holes of where my day went that I wasn’t present for. Whatever “it” was, remained. I could never out exercise, rest or smart “it.”

The Diagnosis

It took months to get into a general practitioner after having a referral. It was summer when I scheduled and would be fall when I saw her, an entire season had to pass. Finally, it was time. And not a moment too soon. It came two hours after I had a conversation with my leader gently checking in to see if I was okay because they knew something was off.

When I arrived at the office I didn’t even know what to describe “it” as. Depression? Anxiety? Brain fog? I didn’t want to go in and have an objective to be labeled as something. Don’t lead the witness or shape the diagnosis to what I want it to be, I told myself. (As if I somehow had any control or knowledge of how to even do that in a medical sense.)

My new doctor talked to me for five minutes before she abruptly asked me if I had been tested for ADHD. I gulped. There it was. The thing I had refused to google or truly consider, but it had been there. I clearly looked shocked and she proceeded to tell me why she suspected this and why this wasn’t something she just handed out.

It’s very common for women to be diagnosed with ADHD later in life than men. In fact, most women are more likely to be diagnosed with depression, anxiety or bipolar than ADHD. A lot of women in their 30s find the symptoms to need medical assistance to help them as they grow in their lives, personal and professional. My doctor watched me as I shook my foot 100 MPH, cut off her sentences and had to re-read a question. Classic signs. The question about struggling with comprehension took me thrice to finish because I got distracted by…. air? Who knows.

She’d seen enough. We discussed a treatment plan. The preferred medication was of course denied by insurance. (Love the American healthcare system that gets to decide if I actually need medication prescribed.)

I walked out, feeling the relief of the invisible weight I was unknowingly carrying.

As I sat inside my car I felt… hope and relief. It wasn’t all in my head. It wasn’t actually me losing my grip on my mind. There actually was something happening that I couldn’t just fix on my own.

And Then I Wondered… Do I Really Have ADHD?

During the weeks of waiting for insurance approval on my medication, doubt set in. Perhaps… perhaps I took the easy route. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself in therapy, I refuse to take the easy path.

Did I go in looking for a diagnosis? Was I seeking a prescription? Did I really try everything I could to handle this on my own? I mean, did I really, really try everything I could think of on my own. The relief I felt when I walked to my car after that appointment slowly turned into guilt because surely a solution couldn’t be that easy. I’m now a statistic. An ADHDR’er. Just another person who can’t pay attention because they aren’t really trying, right?

So I began documenting all the signs that pointed to an ADHD diagnosis:

• Trouble staying focused when being given instruction
• Excitement when starting something new but not being able to sustain it
• Fidgeting
• Oversharing (welcome to my blog)
• Verbally impulsive
• All-or-nothing thinking (black or white)
• Hyperfixation (often on the wrong thing)
• Blurts out answers before a question is finished or finishes people’s sentences
• Works harder than their peers in order to be equally successful
• Fearing rejection by people, clinging to people, remaining in unhealthy relationships
• Always needing multi-streams of stimulation to maintain dopamine
• Suddenly withdrawing
• Dreading and avoiding tedious tasks while hyperfixating on others
• Repetitive movements, meals, activities to provide structure and relief

The Internalized Denial of ADHD Being Real

This is a bit niche, but are you familiar with Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family? I grew up listening to his radio show. One of the most poignant episodes I absorbed as a child was the episode about the epidemic of boys being diagnosed with ADHD. The way my undeveloped, soon-to-be ADHD brain, absorbed it was the “epidemic” was a result of poor family structure, parenting, and ultimately, a lack of faith. Without reservation, I can say I do not ascribe to that mindset, but I couldn’t help but think about how this still was in the back of my mind.

I shook off the resurfaced childhood misunderstandings of ADHD. I’d be yelling, clapping, and cheering for any of my friends who felt the relief I did when I got my diagnosis and answers. Why wasn’t I willing to accept the same help I’d encourage others to get? (That’s a question my therapist and I are going to have to discuss.)

The Relief of Getting Help

The first day I took my pill I felt like I was in an EDM club and my heartbeat was the pulsing bass that ran through my veins for far too long. Lucky for me, that is a dream. After 8 hours of focus, I almost cried from relief. It wasn’t this manic episode where I was typing while drinking iced coffee while crossing a million things off my list. In contrast, it was calm. I had focus. Things that had been hard for me to comprehend I was able to think about. I felt… I felt like I was myself.

Why does it take me so long to write about these sorts of life changes? Surely if I was okay with this I’d talk about it as it unfolds. For the same reason(s) I often go through writer’s block, I have to go through it and be ready to talk about it in a way that can offer the glimmer of hope I was searching for when I needed it. Furthermore, confronting my diagnosis and going from zero medication to a controlled substance can be a total world upset both mentally and physically, even when you’re braced for it.

I was able to write this post in one sitting, calm, focused and feeling like the version of me I want to be. And that’s kind of how it’s been going. The hard-to-focus days still happen, even with help, but I don’t have holes in my memory and look back wondering what happened during those periods.

So now you know.

I’m Alissa. I’m a marketer, people leader, writer, dog mom, fitness enthusiast, the list goes on, but now there’s one more title I get to add and explore about myself, neurodivergent.

The post And Suddenly “It” Makes Sense… My Journey Receiving an ADHD Diagnosis appeared first on Honestly Relatable.